The student news site of Eastern Illinois University in Charleston, Illinois.

The Daily Eastern News

The student news site of Eastern Illinois University in Charleston, Illinois.

The Daily Eastern News

The student news site of Eastern Illinois University in Charleston, Illinois.

The Daily Eastern News

Will Padgett is a graduate student studying English and can be reached at 581-2912 padgett14@gmail.com.

COLUMN: Pears are the worst fruit

Will Padgett, Columnists January 27, 2023

Yep, we’re back with food opinions because they’re just so easy to write and they get you all upset which really makes writing these columns worth it.   This time, I’m laying down a hard truth...

Will Padgett is a first year graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

COLUMN: I am all out of opinions

Will Padgett, Columnist January 20, 2023

That’s right, I no longer have any thoughts or feelings about anything anymore. And you know what? It’s actually kind of liberating! As a wealth of unbiased knowledge and information whose...

Will Padgett is a first year graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

COLUMN: Starting the semester off right is boring

Will Padgett, Columnist January 16, 2023

We’ve survived the cold winter months only to be met with yet another semester of school, almost as if we signed up for it. Wacky, isn’t it?   I’m sure you’ve been inundated with phrases like...

Trent Jonas is a graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

COLUMN: Confessions of a 684-year-old white, cis-, male

Trent Jonas, Columnist December 3, 2022

I’m really tired. Exhausted. And it’s the busy season. The family finally just left after a disastrous Thanksgiving. The grandkids said I was a propagator of tired old racist tropes because I insisted...

Will Padgett is a first year graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

COLUMN: I am sick of home improvement shows in hospital waiting rooms

Will Padgett, Columnist December 2, 2022

Have you ever been in a hospital waiting room completely devoid of any reading material and the only distraction you can find is the TV that seems to be perpetually playing one of those moronic “fixer-upper”...

Trent Jonas is a graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

COLUMN: The view from across the street

Trent Jonas, Columnist November 12, 2022

Sheer hell. That’s what it looked like to me, standing in front of the shuttered Dr. Smoothie, watching folks clamber for a place in the line snaking out of the bright and shiny damn Dunkin’ that just...

Will Padgett is a first year graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

COLUMN: Not enough places sell soft pretzels

Will Padgett, Columnist November 12, 2022

I was reading this joke article the other day on Reductress titled “Study Finds There Just Aren’t Enough Places to Buy Soft Pretzels” and, having read said article, I found myself completely agreeing. How...

Will Padgett is a first year graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

COLUMN: “Mr. Brightside” is the greatest song ever made

Will Padgett, Columnist November 4, 2022

I don’t care what anyone says, “Mr. Brightside” is the greatest song ever made. Imagine this- you’ve been coming out of your cage and you’ve been doing just fine. However, you’ve got to...

Satirizing the Nazis is tricky, yet possible

Adam Tumino October 15, 2019

"Rhetoric does not get you anywhere because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy they stand no chance." This quote by Mel Brooks came to...

Satire: I am an old, old man

Adam Tumino October 8, 2019

All around campus I see young people, and I envy their juvenescence. They have their whole lives ahead of them. I was once young, albeit a very long time ago. In less than one week I will be turning...

Avoid the devil’s lettuce at all costs

Kennedy Nolen, Columnist January 30, 2018

Editor’s note: The following article is satirical. Marijuana is awful and a gateway drug: plain and simple. Only lazy people who are going nowhere in life succumb to the devil’s lettuce and waste...

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