We’ve survived the cold winter months only to be met with yet another semester of school, almost as if we signed up for it. Wacky, isn’t it?  

I’m sure you’ve been inundated with phrases like “Do your best!” and “Remember to drink water!” and the always classic “Please pay your taxes, if you don’t you’ll be thrown in prison!” 

If you’re anything like me (a walking disappointment), you’re probably already sick of all the cheery, kind words being tossed your way.  

That’s why I’m here to encourage you to do your worst this semester. You know, to shake things up or whatever.  

The most important thing you can do right now to completely ruin your work ethic and physical health is staying up late. 

I don’t mean something like “Oh I’ll stay up until 1 a.m. and then wake up at 8 so I’ll still get  seven hours tee-hee” I mean “I haven’t slept at all yet and I have three classes this morning”. 

You see, if you completely deprive yourself of sleep early on, you’ll have to eternally play sleep catch-up which will effectively ruin your chances of being a diligent student for at least a couple weeks.  

Now that your sleep schedule is ruined, let’s continue on to those pesky assignments. 

If you want to be a good student, you should be super diligent about getting them done well and on-time but that’s not what we’re aiming for.  

Instead, wait until the very last second to start them. That way the combination of sleep deprivation and huge amounts of stress compound upon each other and cause your heart to age 20 years.  

Legally, I can’t tell you to not do your assignments, but they also can’t stop me from ever-so-slightly suggesting it.  

You should also remember that passive apathy is lame. You have to be actively apathetic, like your favorite unhinged opinion columnist.  

Let’s see, what other suggestions can I make? Oh! If you have any extracurricular duties (like writing for the school paper) you should totally shirk them.  

When they ask “Hey, where’s that column you were supposed to turn in?” just act totally dumbfounded that they were serious and pretend like you didn’t know the paper actually existed. 

They’ll look at you like you’re crazy and remove you from their list of columnists. 

Bonus points if you come back and ask to be able to write for the paper again only to repeat your past misdeeds like a total jerk.  

The more people you inconvenience and the more awful of a person you come off as the better.  

Other than all that, just try to be your worst self this semester. Last year was all about self-care and love, but this year we should return to self-loathing and apathy.  

I don’t have the energy to smile and be all giddy and happy about every little thing I do and neither should you.  

We should strive together to make Eastern’s campus the saddest, most desolate one in the contiguous United States (unfortunately, I think any college in Alaska will be way more desolate than ours could ever hope to be).  

Let’s make it our goal to completely eliminate smiles and happiness from Eastern.  

If we all try our best, I’m sure we could achieve this goal before Spring comes and ruins everything by being the objectively happiest season.  

Welcome back everyone and remember: Do your worst! 

Will Padgett is an English graduate student. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812.