If you read my column a couple weeks ago, then you are aware that I no longer have any opinions. I tried going on the internet to get some more but the internet is…a scary place.  

So, instead of doing that, I have decided to let my cousin Throckmorton write my columns until I get back from a trip to the Opinion Bog.  

Now, I should warn you that it is impossible to tell the difference between my writing and Throck’s but I pinky-promise I did not write this (trust me).  

I think that is about all I have got to say. Take it away Throckmorton… 

If you are anything like me, you really, truly hate the snow. I mean, what purpose does it serve? It just falls all over the place and greatly inconveniences anybody who is trying to make an honest living.  

Do you wish there was some way to get around without having to worry about obstacles or pedestrian—them walking folks?  

Well, I got the cure for what ails ye: trucks! That is right, trucks!  

You know, those big ol’ things with the big diesel engines that do not leave a carbon footprint so much as punch the ozone in its golden face?  

Yes sir, those are the ones! You cannot tell me that you do not just get to swooning whenever some honest country boy revs his truck engine REAL loud right next to where you are walking. 

Do you just want to get down on your hands and knees and beg them to marry you? Well I do! 

Speaking of dew, do you just love the refreshing taste of Mountain Dew? It is as if those pantheonic belief systems got together and decided to combine their powers to make it just for us. Is that grand?  

I know what you are thinking, “Throck, you are just some dang ol’ guy coming in here with your ten-dollar words and making a mess. Heck, I can barely read what you are writing”  

Well, to those nay-sayers I say “Sorry, could not hear you, my truck is too loud”.  

Whenever the haters get you down or the police want to question you regarding your parole violations, all you got to do is get in your truck and go ruin a quiet evening in a residential neighborhood.  

That always makes me feel better. I suppose that I took too much of your time with my pondering and such so I think it is high-time I got on my way.  

Before I go, though, I would like for you to consider what we talked about today.  

Think about how cool trucks are before you instantly assume that the person driving it does not have thoughts or feelings. Just because we like to tailgate you and honk at you and otherwise make driving a living hell, that does not mean we are bad people. 

Will Padgett is an English graduate student. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812.