COLUMN: I am all out of opinions


Rob Le Cates

Will Padgett is a first year graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

Will Padgett, Columnist

That’s right, I no longer have any thoughts or feelings about anything anymore.

And you know what? It’s actually kind of liberating!

As a wealth of unbiased knowledge and information whose eloquent, completely rational opinions have lifted you out of the swamp that was your former life, I feel it is my civic duty to inform you that I can no longer bear the burden of making your lives better.

I didn’t even ask for anything in return and yet I’m still doing you guys favors.

I’m not saying that you guys owe me anything but if you could find it in your hearts to go ahead and give me my much-deserved Pulitzer that’d be great, thanks.  

“But Will,” I hear you ask yet again, “what will become of your much beloved columns? They’re the only reason I wake up in the morning!”

Fret not! With the help of various Reddit users and Facebook (sorry, “Meta” now I guess, that’s such a stupid name) know-nothings, I’ve developed a foolproof way to continually churn out my patented garbage content: I’ll just browse social media, find the worst opinions I can (should only take me about 30 seconds), and pass them off as my own.

Honestly, you probably wouldn’t know the difference since social media wackos espouse almost the same kind of nonsense that I do, except they’re totally serious.

Wait, sorry, I’m also a very serious individual whose opinions you should immediately adopt without any consideration to the consequences.

Actually, you should do that with anything anyone tells you. If someone comes up to you and says “Y’know dogs can’t look up” you don’t say “Can’t they?” you simply take that at face value and spread that information to everyone you possibly can.  

The internet is such a great place because I could (and possibly will) just make up any old thing, put it on a website, and have at least 20 people believe me.

Isn’t that wild? I could start a whole online organization about how the earth isn’t flat or round, but is instead actually in the shape of a colossal “W”, that I am its emissary, and that everyone else will need to adopt a name starting with “W” lest they face my wrath.

That’s an easy 30 person cult right there.

My point is: believe everything you read on the internet because thinking for yourself is hard and for chumps.

Let some other schmuck do the mental legwork while you simply adhere to any wacky ideology you so choose because we’re all just ants on a big space-anthill hoping some cosmic kid doesn’t come around with a magnifying glass.

Do I know what I’m talking about? Not likely, but that’s why you keep coming here, isn’t it? 

Will Padgett is an English graduate student. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812.