Smart and interesting people, that’s who!  

But I’m neither of those things so I’m finding it increasingly difficult to actually find the time to form a single thought about Eastern’s presidency. Will it affect me in some way, shape, or form? I mean…probably, right?  

But, in all my years here at Eastern, I’ve barely been aware of President Glassman. That’s not a dig on him specifically; I would have struggled to remember ANY president of Eastern honestly. I think, on some level, there exists this intrinsic apathy towards the office of president.  

Is the office important? Sure, but if it is then why don’t I care? Could my apathy perhaps stem from some kind of character flaw of my own? Not likely, I’m perfect after all.  

Part of me wants to go around campus and interview various students as to their thoughts on Eastern’s president because I genuinely wonder how many of them actually think about it.  

I know I don’t. The News could release a story alleging that President Glassman is, in fact, a single D battery and I would still struggle with deciding whether or not to read it because my indifference is simply that strong.  I would wonder how a D battery could perfectly replicate a human body but that’s about the extent of my interest.  

I should say now that, if you’re heavily involved or interested in campus politics, this column is not trying to bash you or anything.  

Being involved in politics in any capacity is incredibly noble and is a sign of your faith in humanity. I’m just a bitter nihilist who’s more preoccupied with thinking about dinner than I am the fate of my university.  

Speaking of dinner, one way to get me actively engaged in thinking about the president is the implementation of campus-wide pizza parties (at the expense of the university, mind you). Everything’s better with pizza and that includes something as dull and uninteresting as a university president. Throw some wings in there and you’ve got the makings of REAL politics. 

If I think about it, though, every academic pizza party I’ve been to has been kind of sad, but those were in, like, the 4th grade. So who remembers? But this is college- so I think it’s reasonable to assume that it would be a step up from elementary school. Well, almost reasonable, I suppose. 

At the end of the day, I’m contractually obligated to say something nice about the incoming president so here goes:  

I, [INSERT NAME HERE], firmly believe that [NEW PRESIDENT] will do [POSITIVE ADJECTIVE] in their role as EIU’s new president. Their stances on [CURRENT CAMPUS ISSUE] will usher in a new era of [SYNONYM FOR PEACE/PROSPERITY] for Eastern.  

I [INSERT EXAGGERATION OF SINCERITY] wish them well in all their [INSERT GENERIC PRESIDENTIAL DUTIES]. Will Padgett is [INACCURATE QUANTITATIVE ADJECTIVE] interested in campus politics. He is also noted as being [INSERT LIE ABOUT LEVEL OF ATTRACTIVENESS].  

Will Padgett is an English graduate student. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812.