COLUMN: Pears are the worst fruit

Rob Le Cates

Will Padgett is a graduate student studying English and can be reached at 581-2912 [email protected].

Will Padgett, Columnists

Yep, we’re back with food opinions because they’re just so easy to write and they get you all upset which really makes writing these columns worth it.  

This time, I’m laying down a hard truth bomb: Pears are the worst fruit to ever exist.  

I don’t just mean fruits right now, I mean both extant and extinct fruits too.  

What makes them the worst fruit, you ask? Well, I just told you they are and my words are in a newspaper, so that should instantly dissuade you from second-guessing what I say.  

But, if you need “real” reasons, I think I can whip up a few.  

First off, a question for you: Have you ever eaten sand? If you have, then you know that pears have a very similar texture.  

If not, then go out to your local beach or levee and try some. I do it all the time and it has in no way affected my cognitive abilities.  

Honestly, I think I’m better for having eaten all the sand I have.  

Now that I think about it, on the off-chance that you enjoy eating sand, you might actually enjoy pears.  

They’re the same thing really. Actually, when you get down to it, I think I’d rather eat sand than pears. 

If you think about it, pears are sort of just weird cousins to apples.  

Pears are like that one friend that’s fun to hang out with when you have other people (or fruits, I guess) around so that you don’t have to have one-on-one time with them.  

It’s not that you hate them, necessarily, but you don’t have anything to talk about.  

Have you ever tried holding a conversation with a pear?  

They usually don’t have much in the way of conversational skills and that rubs me the wrong way.  

So, yeah, pears suck or whatever.  

Honestly, I’m just hoping to get this published. You see, I’ve already got two editorial strikes against me and they said if I get a third that I’ll face “dire consequences”, whatever that means.  

I think they mentioned something about using my blood for ink and putting my head in the newspaper press until it’s as flat as paper.  

Or something like that, I tend to drift off into my own little world whenever someone wishes harm upon me.  

I keep hearing people saying things about my actions having consequences or some other nonsense like that. 

Honestly- I’ve been an absolutely terrible person my entire life and have never once had to face the music for it.  

I like music anyway so would that be so terrible? 

Will Padgett is a totally original writer who would never borrow ideas from his roommates. Pinky promise.   

Will Padgett is an English graduate student. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812.