Illinois is in trouble.

The state has a massive budget problem and things are not getting better any time soon. The state is behind on payments to everyone and at this point, the only thing we can take solace in is that we are not in California.

“What are we going to do?” you may ask yourself. Well, I have a few ideas.

Springfield gets less done than our student senate, and that is saying something. Here is how we pull ourselves out of this hole.

People in top positions of the state take over the “Tonight Show,” then get fired in seven months

Conan O’Brien fleeced NBC for nearly $40 million, according to the New York Times, for getting fired from the show. That’s a lot of money.

That is off the books in seven months and all on NBC’s dime. I would feel bad, but it is the network that brought us “Joey.”

Gov. Pat Quinn does not have the character to be host, so that means we are probably going to have to bring former Gov. Rob Blagojevich back for this idea. The man loves seeing himself on TV since he has been on every talk show since he was impeached. Plus, he already has the hair to match O’Briens. If anyone can take a franchise and lose a ton of money, Blagojevich is our guy. Plus, he can’t be worse than Leno.

Sell a ton of stuff to CashForGold.com

These economic times have been hard on everyone. Unemployment is up all around the country and people need ways to try to stay afloat.

Luckily for us, there is CashForGold.com. The state has plenty of statues, so lets sell them off. If we go piece by piece, there has got to be at least a couple million right there. Once we get out of this huge debt, we can make new ones out of some cheaper metal. Come on, no one will know the difference.

Corporate sponsorships

A new law just passed in this country where corporations can spend whatever they want on political campaigns. I’m not a fancy political science major, but I think we can use this to our advantage.

Think about it – towns and cities sponsored by corporations.

Frankly, I am surprised no one has tried this yet. Sure, the purists will argue that we are selling our soul by having companies buy out the name to cities, but when you need cash you are willing to do some crazy things.

For the smaller towns, I think we could pull in a few million apiece. For cities like Chicago, the possibilities and revenue are endless. If I can get used to U.S. Cellular Field, I can get used to the City of Chicago brought to you by Nacho Cheese Doritos.

If we want to get big and make some serious cash, let’s sponsor the entire state. Anyone who is anyone will be fighting for the rights to be the namesake of Illinois.

I think for the state’s name, we are looking at a couple billion. Sure, we would have to redo a couple maps and signs, but overall, we would be raking in cash.

So, if we want to get out of this situation, don’t vote on Tuesday. Follow my plan.

Dan Cusack is a junior journalism major and can be reached at 581-7942 or [email protected].