Imagine that you’re talking to one of your parents over text one random day and, at the end of the conversation, you tell them you love them only for them to respond with a thumbs-up emoji.

The audacity, the sheer gall someone has to possess to raise a child for 18 years, care for them, and shape them into a functional (not in my case) adult and then to subsequently text that same child as if they were an ex that simply isn’t getting the hint after they’ve sent you twenty “you up?”’s.

That wasn’t even the only case of one of my parents being cringey with their emoji usage! My dad is a big fan of using those emojis that kind of look like you to send me images of him making a heart shape with his hands. He’s trying to connect with me and show me in a visual way that he loves me!

Gross! Use your words, old man (love you dad).

Unfortunately for them, I am in the process of putting together legislation that will effectively make it illegal for them to use emojis at all.

Seems a bit harsh, doesn’t it? Well, if there’s one thing you should glean from my last two columns it’s this: I’m crazy. But I’m the kind of crazy that gets things done, which is how I was able to get 19 billion people to sign a petition that would ask the Supreme Court to legally ban my parents from using emojis.

Oh, there’s only 7 billion people on the planet and a bunch of them are babies? Sounds like a personal problem, can’t relate.

“But Will,” I hear you asking, “that’s not an enforceable law, even if it is genius and completely warranted.” Not to fret, chums, I’ve already thought of a solution: Every emoji will instead add a long-winded description and brief history of the emoji every time they try to use one.

No, that wouldn’t get annoying because I’ve got an iron will (see what I did there). It’s the best solution as then my parents will have to actually state they love me and I can get it in writing any time I have to use it against them for one of my inevitable petty arguments.

My parents may not like it but after years of living under their roof and eating their food it’s about time I show them who’s boss.

How confident am I that the Supreme Court will side with me in this landmark case? I’m fairly confident. You see, I’ve trained for the upcoming trial extensively by watching a plethora of legal TV shows and movies and memorizing all the most memorable lines.

This, I feel, will allow me to repeatedly interrupt the opposition before they can bring up their legitimately valid counterarguments against me. After all, being louder is the next best thing to being right.

I already have the perfect way to break the news of my victory to my parents as well. I will simply tell them I love them. When they go to send their usual emojis, that is when justice will be served and I’ll know that I am the greatest son to ever walk the Earth.

Will Padgett is an English graduate student. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812.