To those who read my columns, it should come as little or no surprise that I, occasionally, have a bit of a big mouth. This has never been much of a strength for me.

In fact, as a young scamp running about Charleston, my mouth would often write checks that my hind parts would not be able to cash.

Thankfully, though, I’ve always been very quick for my diminutive size, and nothing provides motivation for a hasty retreat like a thrashing hot on your heels.

Welcome to “The Art of a Quick Getaway.”

Now that we are in college, I think it is a safe bet that most people rarely find themselves in the type of situation that could result in fisticuffs. The exception being, of course, when one (typically a male) drinks a tad too much at the bar and decides that now is the time to fight someone over whether the gentleman was looking at you wrong.

That being said, more often than not, the use of quick wits can get one out of a sticky situation.

Let’s say you find yourself in the situation I was in Friday. I had suggested, with full enthusiasm, what I thought was a great idea. Yet my girlfriend felt a coffee mug was not a great Valentine’s Day present.

It is worth mentioning that my girlfriend is not the type that demands gifts or expensive displays of affection. But a coffee mug was, admittedly, a poor idea.

Now, as she began to get fired up and lay in to me, I said, “Hold on, honey. I’ve got to go run somewhere real quick.”

She did not buy this excuse. But, like a grand master of chess, my experiences as a kid have taught me to think two or three moves ahead.

I quickly informed her that I had to “Go see a man about a horse.”

This ridiculous assertion may have worked in the mid-19th century, when a horse was necessary. However, by the time she had processed the outlandish statement I had just made, I was already gone. Check mate, Thill.

Another good escape maneuver is deflecting.

Let’s say you have said something to offend someone, as I often do. When said person approaches you, simply say, “Well, I’m not saying (insert random statement) is the way I feel, but my friend Dan here was just talking about it and..”

Once you trail off, with a convincing acting job, the person will have turned his focus away from you and on to your unsuspecting friend. Though, for this scheme to work, you have to be willing to throw your friend under the bus. But an angry friend is better than dealing with an angry stranger.

The final and most effective, though least dignified manner of escape is running like hell.

No one is proud of this one, but let’s face it. Sometimes you have talked yourself into a corner and the best way out if simply pulling a Shaggy from “Scooby Doo.”

The best way to go about it is simply distracting the person for even a moment and run. If you are quick enough, you can even leave the ever-satisfying cloud of dust shaped like yourself in mid-stride.

Of course, the best option is to not make others mad at you, but that is just unrealistic. That is, at least, if your name is David Thill.

David Thill is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at [email protected] or at 581-7572.