Every year, right around the beginning of December, I find myself feeling a little conflicted.

You see, having grown up in an American household in the early- and mid-90s, I was taught that nothing beats Christmas.

Your birthday might be close to generating anything near the same type of excitement, and what red-blooded American doesn’t love the Fourth of July if for nothing more than watching explosions? After all, Americans love explosions. It’s a fact. Don’t bother looking it up.

But nothing comes close to Christmas Eve, having more trouble falling asleep than a crack addict, finally opening your eyes to see the light gleaming in through the blinds, and the stampede to the living room that follows.

And yet, I feel conflicted. Why, you ask? Because, as much as I love Christmas, I hate Christmas decorations. And I mean the kind of hate that drove the Grinch to steal the last can of Who-Hash right in front of Cindy Lou Who.

I don’t know why, but I cannot stand Christmas decorations.

Allow me to elaborate, though. I’m not a monster; I do enjoy a good tree – a nice, green Christmas tree with some garland and a few lights and the family ornaments. But, then there’s the fire hazard, the dog or cat constantly climbing on/chewing on the tree itself and the clean up the day after Christmas.

And I don’t want to hear a thing about an artificial tree helping with clean up as there are no needles left to vacuum. This is the 21st Century, not the Dark Ages and I am no drooling barbarian. If there is going to be a tree involved, it had better be real or else I’m taking all the presents back to the store and purchasing 50 lbs. of coal just to teach someone a lesson!

My real problem is with Christmas lights. When I was growing up, only a few houses on my block had lights. It was nice and festive but didn’t blind everyone in the neighborhood. Now, it seems everyone with a residence needs to light his home up like a runway at O’Hare. I don’t care what you say; there is nothing festive about the threat of an epileptic seizure. Nothing.

Then we have the Nativity Scene. Two-thousand years after the birth of Jesus Christ and we are still surprised to find that the teenagers down the road took the Savior out of your front yard along with Joseph’s head, two sheep and a Wise Man? These scenes are crime sprees waiting to happen.

And then you’ve got the “Santa’s sleigh with reindeer” decorations on someone’s roof. I hate this most of all. I live in a nice enough house, but there is no way my roof can support eight fully-grown reindeer along with a sled filled with toys.

Seeing such decorations just reminds me that there is no way Santa is stopping by my place – he’d fall through the roof and then I’ve got a lawsuit on my hands. And who’s going to defend someone who’s going up against Old St. Nick?

So, I look forward to the holidays to spend with my family and give gifts to my nieces and enjoy everything the holiday has to offer.

I simply ask that we all tone it down just a hair. After all, Santa has Rudolph’s red nose to guide him, he doesn’t need your chimney-turned-lighthouse to find the way.

David Thill is a senior journalism major and can be reached at 581-7942 or [email protected].