Well, I’ve come to my last column written as sports editor for the Daily Eastern News, and instead of talking about my favorite Eastern sports moments of the year, I’d like to share with you, the reader, a few of the things I’ve learned about the Eastern sports world and the entire sports scene as a whole.

I learned being a good guy will cause an entire town to support you, even if you’re a career .500 coach. I guess you literally can win for losing.

I learned that hundreds of Eastern students “live strong” the same way Lance Armstrong does. Oh, I meant they both wear yellow bracelets, not that they both have great pharmacists.

I also learned doing body shots off of a random girl while smoking a Marlboro Red is standard activity for someone “living strong” at one of Eastern’s drinking establishments.

I learned any column can be saved by a strong Michael Irvin-cocaine-hooker-motel room joke.

If you want to piss people off, call Tennessee women’s head basketball coach Pat Summitt a woman. We did and got letters about it for weeks.

I learned that for some reason, people still aren’t lining up to go to volleyball games. Girls + spandex = fan excitement.

To borrow a David Cross joke, I think, in general, Cardinal fans are smarter than Cub fans. But, I also believe dogs are smarter than Cardinals fans.

The king of Charleston sports media, Brian Nielson, looks exactly like ex-Undertaker manager Paul E. Bearer.

I learned that all you need to know as a sports columnist can be found out simply by watching ESPN’s “Around the Horn.” Observe Jay Mariotti, ignore and repeat.

While attending a men’s basketball game at Lantz Arena, no one is safe when T-shirts are fired into the crowd.

Being the sports editor will not get you girls, free drinks or respect. It will get you on a first-name basis with Gateway Liquors employees and doormen at Marty’s.

It’s fun reading the words “Give It A Yankee” in one of your columns.

It’s a miracle it took people three years to realize Bulls center Eddy Curry has heart problems.

I learned that there is no feeling quite as satisfying as walking into a bathroom stall and seeing my column looking face up at me.

And, I learned my column’s readership will never get any higher than a coked-up Michael Irvin in a hotel room with a hooker. (God bless your addictions Michael Irvin, you’ve bailed me out again.)

Dan Woike, a senior journalism major, wishes his time as sports editor would have provided him with girls, free drinks and respect. Email him at [email protected] and offer him one of the three.