Got much to do Sunday? Cancel it.

The good people at Fox (the same people who gave you “When Circus Performers Attack” and “Man vs. Appliance”) are serving up eight hours of pre-Super Bowl festivities.

As a service to our fine readers, and why not, to our not-so-fine ones too, I’m offering a handy viewers’ guide to Super Bowl 39 (No Roman numerals here – Arabic’s how I roll).

9 a.m. – Stroll in to room/apartment/house after wild Saturday night of drinking. When your loved ones ask you why you lead such a self-destructive lifestyle, tell them you’ve adopted ex-Raider center Barret Robins’ pre-Super Bowl ritual. Flip on Fox’s “NFL Films Presents: Buck, Aikman & Collinsworth – All Access” and fight off urge to throw something through the screen whenever Collinsworth speaks.

9:58 a.m. – During commercials, make breakfast. I suggest Buffalo wings or Honey Smacks, served with a side of antacids.

10 a.m. – It’s time for “Untold Stories of the Super Bowl,” and more Chris Collinsworth. Take two Tylenol and count number of times anyone says “behind the scenes look” or “first-time told.”

11 a.m. – “Tony Hawk’s Boom Boom Huckjam” makes a confusing, but still x-treme, appearance on the Super Bowl under-card. Either spend the next hour figuring out what a half-pipe has to do with the Super Bowl (answer: Michael Irvin) or nap. I encourage option two.

Noon – The moment America has been waiting for, Tom Arnold’s triumphant return to network television. “The Best Darn Super Bowl Road Show Period” airs, with appearances by “American Idol’s” Randy Jackson and “The Shield’s” Michael Chiklis. There’s a fun drinking game here – drink once for every time Jackson says “dawg” and chug a beer every time John Salley laughs at an unfunny Arnold joke. If you’re lucky, you’ll pass out before you’re exposed to more than half of this show.

1 p.m. – If you haven’t tried to gouge out your eyes or beat-up your television, be sure to buckle-up for four hours of Fox’s “traditional” pregame show. Wow, that’s a lot of Terry Bradshaw. But on the plus side, I estimate at least four weather reports from meteorologist Jillian Barberie (of “Ex-treme Dating” fame). People either seem to love or hate this loud, obnoxious, curvy, lewd, blonde. You shouldn’t have to think too hard about where I stand on this. I’m in love.

1:13 p.m. – The pregame crew sets a record for the most times two words have been said in a pregame show. 13 minutes, and the hosts have said “Terrell Owens” 285,649,031 times.

5:25 p.m. – Make various ridiculous prop bets, like on who will win the coin toss, heads or tails and what number is Deion Branch thinking of.

5:30 p.m. – Kick-off already? Where did the hours go? Wasted away watching Fox broadcasting. (That can’t be the first time that sentence has ever been typed.) If watching the game with females, quickly hustle them out of the room. One look of hunky Patriots’ QB Tom Brady and it’s all over for you. If watching the game exclusively with males, make snide comments about Brady’s masculinity. Question his sexuality. You’ll feel better about yourself.

5:57 p.m. – Having just seen your fifth commercial featuring a baby or animal talking, you realize people actually get excited about watching Super Bowl commercials. Pity these people.

6:52 p.m. – Loudly wonder if any male enhancement supplements actually work. Exit the room after the ensuing awkward silence.

7:00 p.m. – Time for Sir Paul McCartney. He’s “talkin’ ’bout freedom, yes talkin’ ’bout freedom.” God, that song was awful. Keep fingers crossed that his pants stay on.

7:35 p.m. – Halftime is over, and it’s back to the game. If the game is close, pick one team’s bandwagon and jump on. Tell your friends that you’ve loved them since the days of Tony Eason/Ron Jaworski. Google the names beforehand if your friends are cynical.

9:10 p.m. – “There’s no way Adam Vinaterri’s making this kick.”

9:11 p.m. – “Adam Vinaterri is the greatest kicker in NFL history.”

9:22 p.m. – Let the whole experience soak in. Over 12 straight hours of television watching and you’re still alive, hopefully. If you’re muscles haven’t atrophied to the point where they don’t work, stand up, stretch out. You have 365 days to train for next year. Do not attempt to operate any automobiles or machinery; it’s just not safe.

9:23 p.m. – Vow never to take my advice again.

Dan Woike, a journalism senior, spends 12-hour days in front of a TV on a bi-weekly basis. Tell him to get out more at [email protected].