Daniel Worster once wrote “what explains all, explains nothing.” With that being said, I’ve always been skeptical of advice concerning girls, because I realized that people are different and there is no one technique that everyone responds to. However, I’ve discovered some things about girls that seem to be true for a vast majority.

-Wearing sunglasses makes you more attractive. This is based on the same logic as “Distance Distortion Factor” (the theory that if you tend to see someone from far away, they appear more attractive because your mind makes up the details). This works well with first impressions because if a girl already registers you as a cute boy, even if you are not, they will still be drawn to you. Also make sure you wear a decent pair of sunglasses, it being a well known fact that Oakleys make you look like an asshole.

-The statement: “There is someone for everybody” is false. Some people will get two, three or six. Some people won’t get anyone. Your potential mate percentage, or PMP, is greatly reduced if you’re shy, have face warts or are stricken with sickle cell anemia.

Also don’t be yourself if you’re a macho jerk or spit when you talk. Try being someone else, like a non-spitter, while you work on improving yourself.

-Semi-cute girls are the worst. A lot of times you may be attracted to a girl because of a good haircut or kind smile. But for one reason or another, they aren’t cute enough to date. This is a lose-lose situation because you want them to be attracted to you, and if they did like you, you’d only feel miserable that they were not better looking.

-Smiling is very important. It introduces you to the girl as a potential suitor, instead of the creepy guy who keeps staring at her.

-Why is it that cartoon characters can wear the same clothes everyday but when I do it I’m a scumbag? Because I am a scumbag. I’m always impressed by how positively girls respond to a boy wearing cologne. I suppose it’s because they have very low expectations for guys, while simultaneously tying in some Prince Charming garbage they picked up in some Disney movie. If you’re a college student, you can get away with changing clothes three times a week if you have Monday/Wednesday classes and Tuesday/Thursday classes. Also, throw on a collared shirt once in a while. I’ve worn the same pants for three weeks and then shown up at a party. By just adding a 3 buttoned shirt to those pants, I had people ask me why I’m dressed up so nice.

-If you do dress up like a dumb stereotype (frosted hair, wife beater shirts, Abercrombie gear, hot car, etc.), chances are you will be able to get girls easier. I’ve seen too many nice girls with jerk-offs for this not to be true. But the quality of girls will be decreased exponentially if you dress like this, not all the time though, and you won’t feel as good about yourself.

Editor’s note: McAuliffe founded The Guide to Better Living one year ago. The Verge commends McAuliffe for his always humorous and bizarre contributions throughout the year and wishes him luck upon his impending graduation.