Our culture relies heavily on binary to simplify the insanely complicated world we stumble through. I’m not talking zeroes and ones, I mean the men and women, blacks and whites, gays and straights, Jews and Christians, riches and poors, youngs and olds, cools and dorkies that we stratify all people into.

One thing college is good for besides classes and such is subverting that categorization. Most of us fit into gray areas between strict categories. We are designer label-wearing Star Trek fans, we are doubting Catholics, we are too old for this and too young for that, we are experimental straight people, we are people of mixed racial heritage, we are middle class people who have once fallen on hard times, we are people of ambiguous gender.

A categorical pair I’d like to blur a little is the slacker-star student dichotomy. On our way to Eastern, teachers and parents warned us that the students who party flunk out of school and live a life of panhandling and venereal disease. Friends who entered college before us told us fancifully embroidered tales of beer breakfasts, keg races, bar crawls and seemingly endless fun.

To those of you too new to university culture to notice this: You can have it both ways.

What follows is a list of things every college student should do before graduation that, if followed, ought to lead to equal parts debauchery and accolades, straight to you from someone who walked the line.

1. Have a threesome. I don’t care what Dr. Drew says, three mature people can share a romp and not hate each other forever afterward. I recommend a two-girl minimum because the mechanics seem to work out a little better that way, but I’ve heard of it working out in other permutations too. The easiest way for a single person to accomplish this is to meet a couple looking to get freaky.

2. Get a paper done early. Difficult, yes, but getting large assignments off one’s mind is intensely freeing.

3. Do something you know is stupid for the sake of your mental health. Every so often, I love giving into temptation. Waltz right up to that sexy stranger and plant one on them. Disrobe on television. Spend money you don’t have. Take a road trip when you have things you know you should be doing. Do a shot at a university function.

4. Join something you believe in. I invested most of my college life here at The Daily Eastern News, informing the citizenry, ranting and hopefully giving you fine readers a few chuckles along the way. Find what does it for you and do it.

5. Give in to pop music. It wasn’t cool when I was in high school either, you know, but it is so freaking catchy. Let it snag you by the hips and lead you atop that table for a gyration everyone will enjoy.

6. Enter some sort of academic contest. Yes, it is work you don’t need to do in order to graduate, but you ought to be working beyond your classes in your field. And winning is sweet.

7. Skip class for a totally unacceptable reason. These include: Dairy Queen, a pedicure, sex, fishing, Chappelle’s Show, a keg stand, mudding, a hot dog eating contest or whatever you’d honestly rather be doing.

8. Attend on-campus lectures and workshops. College is one of the few times you’ll have access to so many opportunities to learn about yourself and your fellow human being – take advantage of it.

9. Chat with people who hit on you, especially when you aren’t interested. Sometimes it’s just funny to hear what they say. Perhaps this is stupid, but I always give out my phone number when someone asks for it and they rarely call. Don’t miss any opportunity to be lavishly complimented by someone who unrequitedly finds you sexually attractive. You’ll have plenty of chances to put out later.

10. Speak up. You have ideas that need to be heard. You have had experiences that are uniquely yours and can teach people things they need to understand. Writing a column for us is one easy way, but you can also run for the Student Senate, join advisory committees for your department or check out politically active recognized student organizations. Groups like the Fair Trade Coffee Coalition, Black Student Union and Residence Hall Association are constantly making important changes on this campus.

11. Shut up. Listen when somebody of another background is telling you something – because it’s the only way you’ll ever hear about it.

12. Love Eastern. This is a student-centered community with brilliant professors (and a few duds), friendly and welcoming students (again, with a few duds) and every opportunity you’ll need to get the most out of … life.