Eating while in college is a task that requires skill and creativity. The busy bees among us must carve out a 20-minute slice of time to wolf down a burrito between jobs and classes. Those of us with a more leisurely approach to college life must still unglue change from a sticky bar floor for after-hours munchies. Whether the money that could have bought groceries was spent on note cards and Zip disks or a fatty keg of Busch Light, the point is it ain’t there anymore.

Here’s how to feed oneself with zero dollars:

-Ask for mints. Technically, because these eventually enter your stomach in some form, they are food. If someone gives you one every hour, you’ll at least be ingesting calories. If you find someone stupid enough to let you stick your hot little fingers in the tin and select your own, snatch the whole mofo and run.

-Con for Dining Dollars. This is especially satisfying if you live off campus and don’t have to eat the stuff every day. Head through the assembly line at Stevenson Dining, and make yourself a nice meal. Really go to town. Then, when it comes time to scan your card, act shocked and horrified to discover that you have neither Dining Dollars, nor Meal Swipes. Pretend a computer glitch is to blame. Sooner or later, the person in charge of card swiping will let you go, or someone in line will bum you Dining Dollars. (Note: Don’t try this at Arby’s, Pizza Hut, etc. because the average person is far less willing to part with real money.)

-Flash for ones. No matter what anyone tells you, this is not prostitution. If you have boobs, then you have money. Start dancing on a bar or a table at a party. If males are present, one will get the brilliant idea to yell “Show us your boobs!” Rub your thumb across your fingertips in the “gimme money” gesture and keep the girls inside until the money is in your hand.

-Dumpster diving. Certain foods, such as Handi-Snaks and those pre-filled plastic bottles of Kool-Aid, can withstand the chamber of stank that is your local dumpster. Check for rodents first (as their droppings can contaminate otherwise yummy goodies), wriggle into a onesie and go fishin’. Avoid obvious picks like the can behind the dining hall or McDonald’s and check the oft-overlooked residential dumpster. The selection will be far less picked over. I prefer the fire department. Mmm, chili.

-Rob the squirrel bank. During times of thaw, dig around backyards to find where squirrels have buried their nuts. They always forget where they leave them anyway, so you might as well cash in.

-Find a diabolical little kid to be the face for your operation. Kids get free food at bakeries and stuff, just for being cute. Guarantee your partner in crime a cut of the profits and a trip to Chuck-E-Cheese’s (that their parents will hopefully fund, or else this becomes a money-losing venture).

-Get a job washing dishes. I think you can see where I’m going with this one: tasty morsels galore!

Disclaimer: A few of these suggestions are illegal, many are dangerous and a couple more will offend the morals of those around you. Don’t try this stuff, stoopid! If you’re really stuck for cash and food, get yourself a nice short-term loan from the Financial Aid Department. Interviews are Monday and Thursdays.