Who would have thought playing recorded human voices faster than they were ever intended would be a great way to make money? Alvin, Simon and Theodore; childhood idols, rock and roll legends, musical geniuses, junior high students, diamond smugglers – the list goes on and on.

Simply put, they were the epitome of cool. Later in the show, three equally cool female chipmunk musicians were added to join in the hijinx.

So many inconsistencies occurred in “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” it was amazing the show was ever aired. Six highly-intelligent chipmunks were rock stars in a world populated by humans. No one took the time to wonder why the Chipmunks and Chipettes were not abducted from their homes by teams of scientists to be examined.

A lot of money could have been made if the time was taken by the humans to study the physiology of these super chipmunks. Were their genes drastically different from those of a normal chipmunk? Or was their intelligence just a recessive trait? Perhaps their parents were exposed to some sort of chemical from a sunglasses factory, and a “switch” was flipped in the chromosomes of the parent chipmunks. After breeding, a group of superior chipmunks was eventually born. The Chipmunks’ intelligence gene finally activated after thousands of years of dormancy. If these Chipmunks would have been test subjects instead of musicians, a new golden age could have come upon humanity.

Scientists working in cosmetics labs would actually be able to ask the Chipmunks if smearing lipstick in its eye actually hurts. No need to bother with monkeys and their pathetic attempt at sign language. People would know when their products were allergens by the screams of agony coming from the chipmunk holding pens.

Discount stores would have legions of Chipmunks with average eighth-grade reading levels pushing carts and mopping floors. But no, the public seemed content with letting genetic freaks make money at their expense.

I previously stated the idea of the Chipmunks breeding with the Chipettes. Would that not be cute? Humanoid chipmunks having sex, it’s a touching thought. Unfortunately, the resulting chipmunk offspring would be riddled with birth defects. The chipmunks and chipettes are obviously related. It seems to be too much of a coincidence that three male chipmunks and three female chipmunks have exactly the same traits and abilities. There were the fat chipmunks, the smart chipmunks and the popular, arrogant chipmunks. All of them being talented musicians.

They already seem to be related, but that is not all. In many instances on the show, the Chipmunks and the Chipettes would compete against each other very much like squabbling siblings.

An excellent example of this bickering occurs in the Chipmunks’ first and only movie. The Chipmunks and Chipettes race in hot air balloons around the world while secretly smuggling diamonds for two humans.

Perhaps the humans on “Alvin and the Chipmunks” television show was better than us. The humans preached understanding and embracing diversity. None of the inappropriate things that happen in schools today ever happened on “The Chipmunks.”

Not one student ever said “Look at the big furry kids. Let’s kick their asses.” There was, however, one incident involving a gang of bullies picking on the chipmunks. The battle was quickly resolved with a little help from one of the chipmunks’ biggest fans, Mr. T. The television show preached not only racial equality, but tolerance of all kinds.

I give the Chipmunks a lot of credit for expressing their individuality in the peer pressure-filled world of junior high. They were not afraid to dress how they wanted. Their father/master/owner figure, Dave, was a wealthy bachelor. Quite easily he could have bought all three of his chipmunks snazzy clothes.

The Chipmunks did not want that – they were talking woodland animals gosh darnit. They were able to keep their cool personas and still wear extra long turtlenecks and no pants. Pretty slick if you ask me. Not only did the chipmunks preach understanding, it also was an anti-socialist cartoon show as well.

Do you recall the episode when the Chipmunks were to play a concert in West Germany? They were kidnapped by East German soldiers and forced to play a concert at the “rock pile.” The music from the Chipmunks’ little instruments was so intense, and Alvin’s vocals were so passionate that they were able to once again unite both Germanys and families separated by years of tyranny. The only drug the Chipmunks ever got high off of was a little drug called America.

Looking back, a lot of happy memories are associated with “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” I thank them for their music. Their goofy high-pitched cover songs produced a soundtrack for my life between the ages of 5 and 10.

I hope my children will have a show full of politically correct ideas and American goodness like the Chipmunks. I just fear the day when the show is resurrected and made into 3-D for the new millennium, but that’s another article.