As Eastern seeks its next president, we must not forget the

important skills the new individual will need to have. And being the special university that Eastern is, it will need a president with special skills that cannot be found in just any applicant.

Eastern not only deserves a president who is respected in Springfield, Charleston and on campus, but one that is also respected at Marty’s, Friends and Stix.

Think about it: would you want someone in charge of thousands of employees, students and a $100-million dollar budget that couldn’t slam a shot of cheap whiskey without weeping like a baby?

Personally, I want a president that can pick up that shot, gaze at it like a kid at Christmas and take it down as he would Gatorade at halftime. And I don’t mean to imply the next president has to be a man; in fact, a woman that could do that is even more respectable in my book.

But that stipulation may just be a little too picky. Of course, our next president doesn’t have to be a whiskey drinker, but it would be nice if he or she could hold their own at the local bar.

I want a president you wouldn’t be afraid to ask to bum a couple dollars for 50-cent draft night at the Uptowner. In fact, I want a president who will drive me there and pick me up and maybe even take me to get some LaBamba’s afterward.

As students, we could use extra help like that to get through these challenging college years. You know, for those mornings you wake up and don’t know were you are or what you did, wouldn’t it be nice to have a president that could take you out for breakfast and fill in all the holes?

Eastern’s No. 1 issue right now is a chronic case of decreasing enrollment, a destabilizing disease that first attacks the budget and leaves a freakish scar on the university’s reputation.

With a president that could pick students up from bars and hold their heads while they puke, why, we’d be the most popular campus in the Midwest, rivaling even the strong academic reputation of Southern Illinois University.

Eastern’s next president will need to do many things and many things well. He or she will have to rebound the enrollment, pander to alumni and legislators, patch an often large rift between faculty and administration, pull a rabbit out of a hat, dance the mambo, keep the budget in check, end world hunger and keep Charleston clean.

But most of all, I need my next president to keep my grades above a C, make sure I don’t do anything stupid when I can’t see straight and just be sure this university doesn’t fall apart.