What can we do to put you in the Super Bowl this February?

That is the $60 million dollar question. And if the question sounds as if it spewed from the mouth of an overly persuasive Buick salesman, there’s a reason for that.

One of the intriguing side effects to the national tragedy of Sept. 11 is the creation of several scheduling quirks.

But who could imagine a group so dastardly that they would use these circumstances to their advantage?

What kind of vile class of sub-humans would seek personal gain from national tragedy? Car dealers.

Believe it or not the same individuals who charge extra for automatic door locks and Scotch Guarding want to charge the NFL extra to move the Super Bowl back a week.

Leverage is a powerful thing, and the fat kid on the bottom of the teeter-totter is always the one making demands.

Car dealers are no stranger to leverage. Mention that your only vehicle died yesterday and the base price on that new car you’re looking at just went up a grand or two.

Right now the National Automobile Dealer’s Association sits on the bottom of the teeter-totter.

The NFL postponed all week two games. The league only has 17 weeks of regular season games, so to lose a whole week would be quite expensive.

There’s no longer a bye-week between the NFC and AFC championship games and the Super Bowl, so in order to keep the Super Bowl in New Orleans on Jan. 27 as scheduled, the NFL would have to cancel the wild-card round of the playoffs.

Canceling the the four wild-card games would reportedly cost the NFL $40 to $60 million in TV revenue alone.

The logical solution to this $60-million question would be to push the Super Bowl back a week.

Well, America’s purveyors of fine new and used automobiles happen to have their annual conference scheduled in New Orleans the week after the Super Bowl.

The dealers of wheels aren’t quite ready to concede their hotel rooms, which is making life difficult for NFL executives.

Should we abhor the sales persons’ callousness and unwillingness to make concessions at a time when almost all Americans are willing to make sacrifices?

Perhaps not. Perhaps we should pity them instead.

It seems the economy is prepared to follow the path of migratory birds and head south for the winter, if not longer. Right now the convention may be the only sure deal America’s car salesmen have.

Not many people rush out to buy new cars when their not sure if they’ll have a job to drive them to the next day.

America the fire-retardant

I have never understood soccer and the hooligans the game so aptly recruits as a fan base.

Last week fans of a Greek soccer club, AEK Athens, managed to disrupt a moment of silence in order to display their infinite stupidity.

There was supposed to be a solemn moment in Athens before last week’s game between AEK Athens and a team from Edinburgh, Scotland.

But several hundred Greek friends reportedly booed and jeered, disrupting the silence meant to pay respect to the many victims of the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11.

If that wasn’t bad enough, one group of fans reportedly burned an Israeli flag while yet another group attempted to set an American flag ablaze. In what could be considered a microcosm of American resilience, the stars and stripes did not catch.

Who new Old Glory was fire retardant?