Recently, my friend Matt bought himself a house. Ever since, it is all he is been able to talk about. He is always saying things like, “Oh, look at me, I am actually progressing as a functioning adult” and “Wow, I sure do feel satisfaction in property ownership.”  

It is like he thinks he is better than me (as if that were possible) and wants to remind me every time we hang out. Well, I have got news for him and you: I am doing some big things that I just cannot tell you about right now because they are secret.  

I would like to tell you, really I would, but I am just so busy with all my big important business that I cannot find the time to explain it to you.  

All I can say is this: It is way bigger than buying some old house and being a contributing member of society.  

I bet you are all frothing at the mouth dying to know just what I am up to right? What could be bigger than owning a house? Probably owning, I do not know, two houses right?  

Is that the big thing I am up to? I am not at liberty to discuss that, unfortunately. Sure, he also not only owns a house, but also works as a teacher enriching the lives of America’s future.  

He is always talking about how cool and fun his job is and how he feels so fulfilled yadda yadda yadda. Who cares, am I right?  

You know what is better than feeling fulfilled with your life and having friends and family who love you? Writing about your vague accomplishments and never elaborating on them even though you SWEAR they are real, that is what! 

At the end of the day, while Matt may be actually making progress in his life, I am the one that is really winning. You see, coasting through life without any real plans or ambitions is the way Greek philosophers lived back in the day, and they all seemed pretty happy, right?  

I mean, they did not have toilet paper or soap or toothpaste or deodorant and I imagine that living in that era was akin to living amongst a colony of sentient dumpsters, but boy were they able to just say the wackiest thoughts they had out loud and become lauded as “free thinkers”.  

I feel like everyone likes to think of Greek philosophers as these “outside the box” types, but think about it this way: it was a lot easier to have original thoughts back in the days when only about four people could actually think at a time.  

Anyway, Matt is a loser who owns a house now or something and Greek philosophers are overrated. 

My life is falling apart.  

Will Padgett is an English graduate student. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812.