COLUMN: Kit Kats are God-awful


Rob Le Cates

Will Padgett is a first year graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

Will Padgett, Columnist

With Halloween right around the corner, I’d like to take this time to provide you all with some crucial information: Kit Kats are by far the worst candy ever.

They suck. They’re the confectionary equivalent of someone spitting in your face; it’s an insult to be given a Kit Kat, in my opinion.

Think about it: When’s the last time you saw someone happy to receive a Kit Kat. Rarer still, when’s the last time you saw someone go out of their way to buy Kit Kats?

Probably never, because who in their right mind would? Hershey (at least for the U.S.) thinks they can just slap some chocolate on a wafer cookie and call it good.

That’s like if I dipped some raspberries in blue, lead-based paint and told you they were blue raspberries (which aren’t real, by the way, isn’t that crazy).

Kit Kats are an affront to the powers that be and represent the hubris of man, in addition to tasting like they’re made of chocolate-covered cardboard.

Honestly, if I was still of trick-or-treating age and you gave me a Kit Kat, even a king-sized one, I promise that you would likely suffer my TP’ing wrath.

You could give me literally any other candy or candy-adjacent foodstuff and I’d still appreciate it more than I would a Kit Kat.

I would take a Halls cough drop over a Kit Kat. I’m sure some of you are reading this, whining to yourself thinking “YoU sHoUlD bE gRaTeFuL”.

Grateful for what, a slap to the face? No thanks, I have just a little more self-respect than that.

Truthfully, you should too; you wasted your money on sham candy but I bet deep down you knew no sane child would want a Kit Kat so you bought a whole mess of them and put yourself through the sheer agony involved in eating such a trash candy.

I wouldn’t even give pigs who eat literal slop Kit Kats; that’s just cruel. Do I know if pigs can even eat chocolate? No.

Did I bother to take three seconds out of my day to look it up and verify it before writing about it in a newspaper? Absolutely not.

Fact-checking is for people with something to prove. There are plenty of other candies that are a trillion times better than Kit Kats, in addition to being more exciting as well.

Want to see how it feels to have your teeth ripped out with pliers? Try Milk Duds.

Want to shatter your teeth into a million pieces? Try toffee.

Want to feel like an idiot? Try Warheads.

All of these candies provide you an experience or life lesson whereas Kit Kats simply scam you into eating them with no consequences whatsoever. That’s not even living; that’s simply existing.

You know how Smokey Bear used to say “Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires”?

Well, I’d like to make my own, similarly catchy slogan: “Only You Can Prevent the Propagation of God-Awful Candy to Poor, Unsuspecting Children by Stopping Yourself and Your Loved Ones From Purchasing Kit Kats In Any Capacity”.

Really rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I hope you’ve learned something about your sins today and choose to do better not only for yourself but for the world’s children as well.

And remember: I will full-on bare-knuckle fight you if I see you in a store buying Kit Kats. It doesn’t matter who you are; I WILL throw down on you.

Will Padgett is a 25th year Crybaby and spent years studying the blade while you were all out partying. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812.