COLUMN: A real zombie apocalypse


Trent Jonas

Trent Jonas is a graduate student studying English and can be reached at 217-581-2812.

Trent Jonas, Columinst

Between the student loan thing (meh), this week’s crop of mass shootings (yawn), NASA’s rocket anxiety (seek therapy), and the Mar a Lago circus (like anything will happen), the media managed to slip a truly terrifying little tidbit into the news cycle.

A massive sheet of zombie ice—ice that is no longer fed by a glacier or other source—in Greenland is going to melt into the ocean and raise global sea levels by at least 10 inches.

And there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.

Your Priuses with the polar bear bumper stickers and all the oh-so-smug Tesla drivers have failed us. We are beyond the pale, past the point of no return.

The ice sheet is going to melt.

The glaciologist who co-authored the study calls the loss of the ice sheet “inevitable.” In fact, William Colgan told PBS News, “It’s dead ice. It’s just going to melt and disappear from the ice sheet.”

“This ice has been consigned to the ocean, regardless of what climate (emissions) scenario we take now,” he said.

Well, since we can do nothing more, I guess it’s time to just say “Screw it!”—fire up the private jets and let’s visit our favorite low-lying places while we still can!

Maldives, anyone? What about all those beautiful Pacific atolls? South Florida? (It’s now or never, Baby!)

In fact, any place on the eastern seaboard of this country will be (very soggy) toast in only about 80 years, or so.

But, you protest, “I carry my own water bottle! I recycle! I’ve been jamming a metal straw into the roof of my mouth for nothing?!”

“What can I do?!” you may ask.

Well, you can’t do anything for Greenland’s zombie ice. Your parents and their parents messed that one up for you, Buttercup—the zombie ice is coming.

I’d start saving up for a boat, if I were you.

Trent Jonas is a English graduate student. He can be reached at [email protected] or 217-581-2812