If I were a tree, I would be very befuddled.

There are a number of reasons I would be befuddled. First of all, why have I become sentient? I am a tree and should not have thoughts.

Also, why is someone writing what they assume my thoughts to be? I am a tree who has become sentient for some reason and should have the right to speak for myself.

But what would confuse me the most is why it is 90 damn degrees in October. I am a tree and I need to drop my leaves.

What if I drop my leaves and the weather gets hot again? I will starve to death. What if I do not drop my leaves and then it gets cold? Also, I will starve to death. My only responsibility as a tree is to not starve to death and I cannot fail.

The environment is depending on me and my deciduous brothers and sisters to sustain life on earth. If I fail in my duty, I pray the Tree Gods will not judge me too harshly.

For I am just a tree. I try my best, but I can only take so much. Sometimes I wish I could have been a Venus flytrap or something cool like that.

I could eat all the flies I want and star in movie musicals with Steve Martin, Rick Moranis and the late, great John Candy. I would even settle for supporting roles if the script was good and I liked the director.

Alas, I am a tree. I have so much responsibility and get so little respect. I think I may decide to fall on the next person who walks under me just to prove a point. Watch which trees you walk under for the next few days.

But I would not have any of these problems if the weather would just change already. I want to shed my leaves and show the world my bare limbs in all their glory. This global climate change is really dampening my spirits. I get my phloem and xylem all twisted just thinking about it.

I have just one small favor to ask of you. You owe me so much. After all, I provide you with the air you breath.

If I shed my leaves prematurely, promise not to laugh at me. It usually doesn’t happen. It’s just so hot outside.

Adam Tumino is a junior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or at [email protected].