With one holiday already passed and another quickly approaching, most of us are fully immersed in the spirit of giving.

I find myself in that spirit as well. I am back this week to give you all a gift before finals take away your last chance to get the GPA you wanted this whole semester but didn’t exactly work hard enough to achieve.

My gift to you all is cheap: my two cents on Twitter locals. 

If you don’t know what a Twitter local is, allow Urban Dictionary to educate you:   

They think they’re quirky for whatever they do, but in reality are blended in with other locals. They’re the type to overuse emojis unironically, post fried memes/selfies of themselves…they have no sense of humor and don’t know what memes are. 

I don’t think all Twitter locals are completely humorless as Urban Dictionary describes them to be, but I do think that they can do better. I also passionately believe in the freedom of speech and I am not trying to censor or bully anyone from ever tweeting about these topics again. This is meant to give you all a laugh before finals make you cry. 

In order to help them help themselves, I am going to bring attention to the biggest groups of locals I see pop up on my timeline.

I know this one is going to cause some controversy, but I’m brave and I’m going to say it: Dog Twitter. This not an attack on dogs. They cannot control their popularity and cuteness, and they most certainly cannot type a tweet. I support adoption efforts and the long list of benefits dogs can provide families and individuals. I just want you all to know you are not quirky for owning a dog. 

As of 2017, 89.7 million dogs were household pets in the United States. Based on how weirdly competitive members of Dog Twitter are about showing off their dogs to each other, I’m assuming this number is growing. Most of my run-ins are with extremists in Dog Twitter. I get criticized for never owning a dog. One, I live with my parents and still have a curfew as a 21-year-old college student, so when they say “no,” it means “no.” Two, when I’m at college, my schedule is so busy I am normally only home to sleep, so what good would that do for a dog? I guess where I am really trying to get with this is a simple request: stop using the words “doggo” and “pupper.” 

I’m going to attempt to get out of the hot seat with this next group because I feel like more people are on my side with this one: Lake House Locals. These are the people who either have no college debt or haven’t fully grasped the enormity college debt will have on their lives and believe once they graduate, they will marry rich, own nothing but LuLu Lemon leggings, drive a Range Rover, have four kids on the same soccer team, and of course, own a lake house. The main reason these locals are on my list is because I am worried for them. You can call me a pessimist, but I consider myself a realist. Please get a grip on reality and wake up before you turn into Broken Dreams Locals. 

Next on the list are Pizza Lover Locals. Anyone who tweets about liking pizza or puts “When I’m not tweeting, you can catch me eating pizza,” and thinks they are making a groundbreaking announcement to the world need to get off their high horses. Literally everyone likes pizza. Even bad pizza is still good to eat and will be eaten by anyone. Every second, the United States eats 350 slices of pizza, according to the National Association of Pizza Operators. You’re not different for enjoying one of the most popular foods in America. Public Service Announcement: You’re just like the rest of us. 

Last, we have a group of locals that disappoints me the most: “I want UGGs for Christmas” Locals. Seriously? Is this 2009? Maybe I am bitter because my parents never bought me a pair in sixth grade like everyone else due to the fact I had “big feet” and they were afraid I would grow out of them at the same rapid pace I had with all my other shoes at the time. Whatever. Say what you want. But right now, I get to say what I want and what I want UGGs Locals to know is their sense of fashion is so far past its expiration date it should be illegal. 

There are so many more groups of locals swarming Twitter, but I only have so many column inches to use. And of course, I am guilty of being “basic” at one time or another. However, I can admit my faults and learn from my mistakes—and not tweet about them. All I ask is these locals do, too.   

Carole Hodorowicz is a senior journalism major. She can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected].