I cannot possibly be the only one who grows wild- ly uncomfortable when watching a commercial about my favorite fast food and realize it’s been turned into some cheesy, innuendo.

While salivating over the delicious hard-shelled tacos from Taco Bell and their popular, refreshing drink Baja Blast, I was shocked and sort of excited to hear a modern cover of Starland Vocal Band’s 1976 “After- noon Delight”—their iconic song with suggestive, sweet (and kind of hilarious) lyrics about afternoon love-making. Admittedly, I thought it was a clever idea.

The commercial showed couples smirking at each other and sneaking out of their workspaces hurriedly to meet up for a little “afternoon delight.”

Even a saucy little elderly couple at a nursing home grin at each other coyly before getting up slowly to head out for their dose of afternoon delight (because old people can still get it on too, right?)

Not knowing exactly where this was headed and thinking it was one of those ridiculous, salacious ads for KY jelly, I still couldn’t look away and wanted to see how this would play out. (I was also rather pleased, listening to the song and murmuring the lyrics). At first, we think the couples are rushing out to sneak and “make sparks ignite” as the band once crooned in their cheeky hit.

However, we’re taken by surprise when the camera pans over slowly to a besieged dining area at a Taco Bell where all of the couples have ended up. Yup, you’ve got it. Their “afternoon delight” was used to represent the afternoon hours when Taco Bell would be serving their special meals.

Like I said, I thought this was actually rather witty and unexpected. Still, I rolled my eyes and wondered why is it that fast foods are being sold with sex? While Taco Bell’s rendition of “Afternoon Delight” wasn’t so bad, let’s take a look at Paris Hilton’s appearances in the Carl’s Jr. burger place ads. That certainly did make me squirm in my seat.

Can someone please explain to me how is Paris Hil- ton’s gyrating and slithering her soapy body all over a sports car, gnawing on a burger supposed to make me hungry? Quite frankly, I found the entire thing cringe- worthy and lost my appetite.

I’m sure the steamy tableau with Paris rubbing her- self against another female’s slippery body that belongs on the cover of Sports Illustrated might actually make other viewers hungry, but probably not for a burger. The burger would most likely be the last thing on the brain after that. So what was the point?

Oh, and don’t get me started on those commercials about chocolate or chocolate cake. My mother and I watched as the woman wriggled out of her work clothes and tiptoed into her kitchen.

After stripping down to her underwear, she savored her toe-curling, spine-arching chocolate cake with her head tipped back, groaning with each painfully slow bite. Meanwhile, my mother gaped at the screen and said half-jokingly, “Geez, I’ll have some of what she’s having.”

Now I don’t want cake, a Klondike bar, Taco Bell or Dove chocolate. You can keep it all. Thanks for mak ing me feel smutty.

Now I can’t eat a burger without feeling compelled to throw myself on top of a car and roll around in my bathing suit or writhing around on my sofa with my chocolate cake since these seem to be the only appropriate ways to enjoy these foods.

Marge Clemente is a senior English major and can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected]