I signed online this week to check my e-mail, but was distracted by flashing letters.

There it was, this pulsating Web page that had appeared behind my e-mail site.

The page read “The Classic IQ Test,” and flanked with 40 questions down the middle and an ad for birth control on the side, it was a tempting square of fate.

I gave in and smiled that in five minutes I could have proof of an IQ level with far less hassle then what it would take to test my IQ professionally.

I thought it couldn’t be too bad.

Which one of these five is least like the other four: A horse; kangaroo; cow; deer; or donkey?

But the questions progressed. There were inquires of age, of math problems and weird comparisons.

I compared abstract heights of common-named characters Ann, Jill and Kelly. I defined the word “Inept.” I measured the speed of cars. It was all like a bad grade school nightmare.

I started drifting asleep, sorting through the loopy questions the test wanted me to figure out.

I lost interest.

I moved on to other Web sites in search of carefully planned quizzes to reveal to me my intelligence, inner-self and answers to the universe.

The IQ test had been a pop-up ad from www.tickle.com, a site that offers Internet players quizzes on their “ultimate personality,” Tickle’s “original Inkblot” test and ways to learn about choosing a career.

The site’s sex tests were out of control. Want to know your sex IQ, ideal sexual partner, your destiny or the definition of Mr. or Ms. Right? It was all right there.

“Finding the perfect person to please you in bed;” to find out this test detail and several others, Tickle requires you to register as a member, the sign of an addict.

I was quickly becoming one of them.

The Internet death test was interesting. If you’re curious about how long you’ll live, www.thespark.com feeds any morbid query with questions of past family diseases, whether or not one has nipple hair and how often you talk to strangers, climb rocks or watch “South Park.”

The questions were getting creepy so I dropped out of the test.

The site, www.allthetests.com, was probably the most unique.

It had all the traditional career and IQ tests, but also offered selective quizzes for only women and men, including how to tell if you’re a man whore.

Want to be an entrepreneur? Check out www.2h.com to find if you have what it takes, while still entertaining yourself with all the usual Internet exams.

If you’re looking for more of a family themed site, check out www.funtrivia.com. Like the Web address implies, the site offers topical trivia ranging from Seinfeld to particle physics.

I skipped over the learning opportunity to check out www.queendom.com.

The latter site claims to be the world’s largest testing center. It doesn’t sound like much fun at first, but the sites alluring graphics and endless testing opportunities drew me in.

I singed up for the patience test to determine if I was a “Patient Patty” or an “Impatient Irma.”

Prefacing the test with a short background on the psychology of patience, the quiz asked me what I did while waiting in line at the bank and about my usual phone demeanor.

These sites are just a few of the endless ways to waste time on the Internet. I fell asleep taking most of the online tests, often bailing too early. But at least now with the magic of Internet quizzes, I’m one step closer to understanding my personality, knowing my IQ level, getting in touch with my better self and finding a mate for life.