Like almost everyone else on this campus, I have a cash flow problem.

Most parents know that’s college student speak for, “I’m broke.” I’m so broke I checked my wallet for tumbleweeds.

But I have a solution, and if it works, a floodgate of a revenue stream for needy students everywhere will be opened.

I’ll simply ask the University Board to ask the Apportionment Board for some extra cash. I figure $100 should get me through until Christmas break – that can buy a lot of macaroni and cheese.

Critics of this foolproof plan might say I’m crazy and they would be right – I’m crazy like a fox. It worked for the athletic department and it can work for you too.

Simply befriend your local fee-funded board – it doesn’t really matter which one. When the time is right, hit your pal up for some extra cash. If the athletic department can get $15,000 for games it doesn’t even know are going to happen, surely one of the fee-funded boards can spare a couple hundred bucks – after all, ’tis the season to give frivolously.

My plan is to try milking some cash from the dramatic players. I’ve been in a few high school plays and I know plenty about drama because I took a class about it once. If they refuse to ask AB to show me the money I’ll go into a hissy fit and fire off a soliloquy that never ends.

Where’s my inspiration? I’m going to my trailer!

Dramatic players is not for everyone. So be careful in choosing the fee-funded board that might be the right fit to give you money.

The connection between the athletic department and University Board isn’t clear. Maybe Rich McDuffie and Caleb Judy go way back, or something.

You could simply go straight to the source and ask the AB for money. You could ask the Student Senate to ask AB for money and start a walking campaign of your own – to the ATM.

Need some extra cash to recover from that nagging intramural injury? Ask sports and recreation for some money. No doubt they’ll pony up the cash to help you get back on the horse – or to buy one of your own.

Didn’t the AB make a rule to prevent this sort of thing? Or does my lack of money make me delirious?

But that rule came with a glaring loophole the athletic department easily found and took advantage of. There’s nothing to stop students from using the same loophole.

Some would say it’s justified to ask for cash from the UB because students paid in $5 this semester only to see the board not use all of their money. To get some of that cash back, all you have to do is ask.

All students on Eastern’s campus could be considered non-fee funded boards, so technically by the bylaw, asking for cash is fair game.

But if students follow through and demand dollars from the AB, they’ll get the message and either deliver or close up the loophole like it should have done in the first place.