Man has always sought larger, firmer, more mouth-watering breasts. But would mankind be willing to give up sex to get its hands on those breasts?

Well, turkeykind, which most of you familiarized yourselves with last week, has been caught in the middle of man’s obsession with breasts.

You see, CNN Headline News reported some disturbing news last Wednesday, Thanksgiving Eve.In the past 20 years, man’s quest for bigger, better, more has led to numerous advances in biotechnology. Biotech has produced heartier corn, which is more resistant to pests and bacteria.

However, when these amazing advances are made, the scientists fail to mention that the United States produces so much excess corn that much of it is converted into other products. This includes ethanol, which is added to gasoline and high fructose corn syrup, which you’ll find in soft drinks because it’s cheaper than sugar.

Genetic engineering hasn’t stopped with agriculture. It has moved on to livestock. Sure, when a sheep gets cloned, nobody really cares, but when genetic engineering of animals reaches your Thanksgiving spread, it’s a bit disturbing. And I’m not referring to the little button that pops up when the turkey is done. This is much more serious.

According to CNN Headline News, genetic engineering in the United States is producing more buxom turkeys. Mankind covets the succulent white meat of the turkey breast. So, naturally man wants bigger breasts.

Of course some will tell you that breast size doesn’t matter. Perhaps they favor the dark meat.

However, the majority inevitably rules and genetically-engineered turkeys everywhere are sacrificing their sex lives because the majority opinion says bigger is better. Sure, those larger breasts may be great smothered in gravy with helpings of yams and stuffing, but if you’re a turkey, they just get in the way.

Breast enhancement for humans is almost exclusively a female thing, but for turkeys genetic enhancement is for both sexes. With their larger chests, male turkeys can’t get close enough to mate with their female counterparts. So, mating is not only out of reach, it’s out of the question.

Deprived of contact with their more voluptuous males, the females must now be artificially inseminated. How tragic of an existence is that?

Imagine yourself as a male turkey. Every day of your short life you’re fed and taken care of just to become someone’s dinner. The only joy you have to look forward to is frolicking with one of the females you’ve been cooped up with. But now, that sexy lady bird with the irresistible hind feathers wants nothing to do with you because you’ve got a bigger rack than her. Even if she was interested – you’re out of reach.

Because of man’s quest for bigger breasts and science’s willingness to help, the turkey must now practice abstinence. The turkey is already a flightless fowl, one of nature’s cruelest jokes, but now it must also be a sexless bird.

Driven by Americans’ insatiable appetites, the poultry people have plucked the male turkeys of their manhood, or at least the use of their manhood.The industry was just trying to give America what it wants: plump juicy breasts.

Hugh Hefner has been doing that for years. Both Hugh and the poultry industry realized that bigger breasts could translate to bigger profits.

But while Hefner’s efforts were intended to promote sex, the poultry people’s actions, whether intended or not, have done just the opposite. So, as you sit down for a lunch of Thanksgiving leftovers, gently applying mayonnaise and lettuce to the turkey your mom forced you to import to Charleston, just remember – your sandwich may have died a virgin.

Pat Guinane is a senior journalism major and a regular columnist for The Daily Eastern News. His e-mail address is [email protected]. Columns are the opinion of the author.