COLUMN: Ranking the planets of the solar system

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Adam Tumino

Adam Tumino, Columnist

The sun is a massive and terrifying celestial body that is constantly firing deadly radiation at us at the speed of light. If it had its way, we’d all be dead right now. But the sun does some good things as well, such as serving as the gravitational anchor for eight planets of varying quality.

Planets are fun. Ranking things is fun. Ranking the planets from worst to best? Sounds like fun.

8. Mercury

The only interesting thing about Mercury is that it is the closest planet to the sun. You’re hot. We get it. It is no substitute for an interesting personality.

7. Mars

Mars is by far the most overrated planet. It is like a neighbor kid you hung out with when you were younger even though you didn’t really like them just because they lived nearby.

6. Earth

This is a tricky planet to rank. A pro is that Earth is home to all the known life in the solar system. A con is that Earth is home to all the known life in the solar system. Some of the least favorite people are on Earth, but so are some of my favorite people.

5. Venus

Researchers have said that the atmosphere on Venus was once similar to Earth’s before the greenhouse effect drastically altered the planet’s climate. Now it has clouds of sulfuric acid and an average temperature of nearly 850 degrees Fahrenheit. Venus is a glimpse into our future after we destroy Earth’s environment. What fun.

4. Uranus

It’s time for the Gas Giants, baby. They are all good, but Uranus is unfortunately the least interesting by a narrow margin. It has a very nice color and has rings. Yes, Uranus has rings around it. Currently, scientists are insisting NASA send a probe to Uranus to study its atmosphere. That is very, very funny.

3. Jupiter

The gassiest and “giantest” of all the gas giants, Jupiter is our solar system’s bronze medal winner. Jupiter is approximately 318 times as massive as Earth. That’s pretty big, I guess. It also has 79 moons that have been discovered. It’s largest moon, Ganymede, is bigger than Mercury. The more you know!

2. Neptune

Neptune is very blue in the best way. It is also the only planet in the solar system to be discovered using mathematical prediction instead of empirical observation. Wow! It is also the furthest planet from the sun, thanks to Pluto’s demotion in 2006. And if Pluto was still a planet, it would have been ranked dead last.

1.Saturn

God, I love planets with rings. I wish Earth had rings. Saturn’s rings make it the best planet in our solar system. Congratulations, Saturn. Saturn also has more moons than any other planet and has hundreds of moonlets in its rings. Moonlets sound adorable. I wish I had a moonlet.

Adam Tumino is a senior sports media relations major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected]