You’re probably wondering why I’ve gathered all of you here today. As you know, Thanksgiving is now behind us, which means it’s officially Christmas, which also means it’s time for the best part of the Christmas season: Christmas movies.

One of the best things about Christmas movies is that there are so many of them, that span so many different genres, that there’s something for everyone. It also means there’s an eternal debate over which Christmas movie is the best Christmas movie—and that debate will never be settled.

Because there are so many Christmas movies, each one great but different than the next, it can feel like the movies are competing for your attention at times—that’s why I’ve gathered you here today. I have also gathered the main characters from eight classic Christmas movies, and they’re going to try to convince you, not of why their movie is the best, but of why they are the best character—or even hero—from a Christmas movie.

I’ll be moderating the debate—first, I’ll introduce all of our characters. We have Kevin from Home Alone, Buddy the Elf from Elf, Clark Griswold from Christmas Vacation, The Grinch, Ralphie from A Christmas Story, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Scott Calvin from The Santa Clause and John McClane from Die Hard. Let’s get it started.

-Hi everybody.

(TOGETHER): Hi.

-My opening question for the group is, what is your individual contribution to Christmas—how have you left your impact and made the day better for others?

RALPHIE: Well, I got what I wanted for Christmas.

-That’s it?

RALPHIE: Well, yeah. It was the best gift I ever received.

KEVIN: I made my family disappear!

-Kevin, I don’t think that’s really wha—

CLARK: Hey, you’re that kid that took down the wet bandits.

KEVIN: Who are you?

CLARK: I live in Chicago.

BUDDY: I spread Christmas cheer by singing loud for all to hear!

-Buddy, didn’t you fix Santa’s sleigh and save Christmas, too?

BUDDY: I also traveled through the land of swirly twirly gumdro—

RUDOLPH: Well, I saved Christmas by guiding Santa’s sleigh with the light on my nose.

-That’s great, Rudolph. Who else saved Christmas?

SCOTT: I killed Santa—

EVERYONE: Boo!

GRINCH: Hey, I like this guy.

SCOTT: —and then I became him.

BUDDY: SANTA! OH MY GO—

SCOTT: Do I know you?

BUDDY: Santa, it’s me, Buddy…

-Nice to hear from you, Grinch. What have you done for Christmas?

GRINCH: I stole it—

CLARK: Why’s this guy even here?

GRINCH: It’s because I’m green, isn’t it?

JOHN MCCLANE: Yippie-ki-yay, mother—

-OK, that’s enough.

CLARK: Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving—

-You serious, Clark?

CLARK: We’re gonna press on and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced wi—

-I said that’s enough. Thanks for coming, everyone.

Jackson Bayer is a senior English and creative writing major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected].

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