Column: It is time to consider a new candidate

Jack Cruikshank, Staff Reporter

With the insanity that is the current presidential primary process, I have a separate name that I believe all Americans should consider when voting for the next commander in chief of the United States.

This candidate campaigns on a strong job stimulus plan claimed to bring about many jobs as the final push to bring the U.S. out of what has become known as the Great Recession.

Without further ado, I present, for your consideration, Vermin Supreme.

Mr. Supreme is an experienced campaigner, having competed for the presidency in every election cycle since 1988.

Now, you might be thinking that this man has no chance simply because he has not yet won any states. That is where I offer the plight of the current Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.

In a pieced published Monday, Politico wrote, “One of the nation’s best-wired Republicans, with an enviable prediction record for this cycle, sees a 60 percent chance of a convention deadlock and a 90 percent chance that delegates turn to Ryan — ergo, a 54 percent chance that Ryan will end it as the nominee.”

With Ryan having won zero states so far and still having those odds, why does anyone discount a man who has been competing in national elections for more than 20 years?

Supreme, mind you, received 260 votes in the New Hampshire Democratic primary this year. That’s 260 more people who think Supreme should be the next President versus Ryan.

During the 2008 primary, The Economist published a piece describing the candidates at the time. When discussing Sen. John McCain, the magazine wrote, “Mr. Supreme’s jokes are funnier than John McCain’s.”

Being funnier than a sitting U.S. Senator really is something to be proud of. After all, couldn’t one argue the entire race is a comedy show?

Another of Supreme’s concerns is political apathy among children and young adults. Because of this, Supreme has committed to the idea of lowering the voting age to 5.

While this might seem outlandish to some, it offers a reward to child-rearing adults, i.e., upon a child’s fifth birthday, those adults get another vote by telling their child whom to vote for.

In a time when being a parent is becoming more and more difficult, adding this fringe benefit to parenthood is a great benefit to all who choose to have children.

Regarding Supreme’s job stimulus plan, it involves giving a pony to every American. Not to be outdone by similar free pony plans, Supreme’s plan mandates said ponies as an integral part of his “federal pony identification program.”

When questioned about whether or not the federal government would have to raise taxes to pay for these ponies, he quipped, “No; they are free ponies.”

While Supreme has not elaborated on this pony plan, he understands that it is the best hope to make America great again.

Returning to the present election cycle, Supreme has said he has a role in Donald Trump’s candidacy.

“I believe that I paved the way for Donald Trump,” Supreme said. “I’ve brought ridiculousness to politics and he saw an opening and jumped on in there.”

Regarding his actual chances at winning a nomination from any party for this election cycle, Supreme, ever the optimist, simply retorted, “There’s plenty of room for me in this mess, that’s for sure.”

Jack Cruikshank is a senior political science major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected].