I hate my ancestors.

Not for immigrating to America from Ireland and Czechoslovakia, because the United States totally rules so that was the right choice.

No, each December I loathe the family members who came before me for choosing the Midwest.

If someone told you that for four and a half months out of the year all of your bills would go up, each morning would be a constant battle with your car and in order to leave the house you would have to wear two to four layers in order to not freeze to death, would you live there? I don’t think so.

Because of my ancestor’s choices, I am stuck with Midwestern winter each and every year. I’m sure there will be comments online that tell me to just move if I do not like it so much.

It is not that easy because I have lived here for 22 years, all of my friends and family live here. Because I have not been building skin tolerance the last 22 years my pasty white skin would burn off the second I entered Florida.

My ancestors could have chosen Florida, California or I would even tolerate Texas, but instead they choose a region where for four months out of the year going outside becomes as unbearable as sitting through any comedy on CBS.

Some people like the winter season. I have absolutely no idea why.

Let’s break it down: everything outside dies (super depressing), it gets dark at like 4 p.m. so no matter how productive you have been it always feel like you have wasted a day (I don’t know how Eskimos do it), I already went over how being cold sucks (shorts are the best way to cover legs) and then there is snow.

Some people think snow is beautiful. Snow is another reason why I believe that the God in the Old Testament still exists today.

Sure He doesn’t kill us anymore or destroy cities because the all of citizens are acting like anyone on E! (if that were the case Las Vegas would have already experienced one of God’s patented “cover-the-city” sand storms by now), instead he does little things each day to piss us off and mess with our minds just to let us know he’s still around. It is the smartest version of God yet, but also the biggest jerk.

Snow is not beautiful or useful in any way, it piles up, so we have to shovel it.

Snow lands on our cars and freezes on top, so we have to scrap it off.

After a day of being white, it turns a gross color of black as a constant reminder it is still ugly and pointless.

In the animated Christmas special “Frosty Returns” some business man creates a spray which causes snow to disappear.

Everyone complains because they claim it ruins the environment and some kid comes up with a clever song, but if the spray really existed I would make it my life’s work to bring it to every corner of the globe.

A columnist yesterday argued that Global Warning does not exist. I really hope that is not true.

I would gladly sacrifice polar bears if I never had to shovel again.

Dan Cusack is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-7942 or

at [email protected].