I cannot sleep.

It started Sunday night. I have found myself rethinking my life, every decision I have ever made.

It is one of the worst things I could imagine.

I think I am becoming a hipster.

Hipsters are a new subculture of people that I cannot stand.

They wear skinny jeans, plaid shirts and stupid thick framed glasses.

If something is popular, they do not like it.

They are a mutant hybrid of hippies, but do not worry, hippies are still much worse.

Hippies are like hipsters in that they do not like anything popular.

Unlike hipsters, they do not shower and their claim to fame is they all showed up at one place – Woodstock- and got high. They have no benefit to society.

All they do is drop acid and sit around in circles playing music.

I support their genocide.

I never thought I was possibly becoming a hipster until Sunday night.

As I was flipping through television channels to turn to a football game, I saw the group Flight of the Conchords on the “The Simpsons.”

I became a fan of the band a few years ago after becoming obsessed with their cult TV show on HBO.

They are deeply ingrained in hipster culture, for their subverse comedy and because they got popular, but not too popular.

Plus they dress in ironic T-shirts and they are from a cool foreign country, New Zealand.

After being excited about the Conchords return to TV, I went on Twitter to voice my opinion.

I became excited when they became a trending topic on Twitter.

I waited for the review of the episode on the hipster TV haven, AVclub.com, so I could voice my opinions with other fans.

I agreed it was not as good as their TV show and blamed the Simpsons writers.

That’s when it hit me, I was becoming a hipster.

I thought back to my summer. I hung out in downtown Chicago bars, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and found myself enjoying it.

Hipsters drink PBR because it is cheap, hipsters are mostly poor and it is “cool” to drink bad beer.

In my defense I started drinking it because at bars downtown, it is the only beer that is under $5.

That’s because it sucks.

Maybe it rubbed off when I was down there.

I also went to outdoor festivals with bands that were good, but didn’t sell out to the radio.

I attended open mic nights for up and coming artists and even thought about participating myself.

Maybe they entered my subconscious. The funny thing was, I didn’t try to kill myself.

So right now, I am in free fall. I do not know what the coming months will bring.

Will I buy skinny jeans?

Will I start wearing glasses to be hip?

I do not know, but I need to stop this before it starts.

I’m sorry, I am off to listen to Pantera and pound Budweiser to try to stop this before it starts.

Dan Cusack is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-7942 or

[email protected].