Column: A fight with a cactus is a fight you cannot win

Adam Tumino

There are many dates in history that are important for a variety of reasons.

Some dates become synonymous with certain events that occurred on them and the lessons we learn from those events.

One such date is Feb. 16, 2013. This was the date that a video called “CoP-Cactus Body Slam” was posted on YouTube by Australian account Jeffabel and Friends.

In this video, a man wearing boxing gloves, goggles, a scarf and what appear to be Santa Claus’ boxer shorts, throws several punches at a cactus before saying “green means go” and jumping off the hood of a car into the spike-covered succulent.

It goes about as well as you’d expect, as the oddly-dressed man immediately shouting in pain, at one point emitting high-pitched shrieks while his friends pull needles out of his skin one by one.

It is a harrowing experience for both our unlucky protagonist and the audience, but it is a video that I strongly urge everyone to watch.

It teaches us all a very valuable lesson. Do not fight a cactus. You will not win. You will look like a fool. Your friends will express their pity for you as you writhe around on the ground saying things like “Zach help me now” and “owie.”

The video also shows us the very thing that will lead to the downfall of humankind: a sense of superiority over nature.

Humans seem to be inclined to push the limits of their relationship with nature, often foolishly so.

Alligator wrestling is an activity that has very few positive qualities, unless you think having your limbs bitten off by a 500-pound prehistoric lizard is a positive experience.

But the audacity it takes to fight a cactus is second to none.

The saguaro cactus in the American Southwest can grow to heights of 45 feet. Yes, that’s right. A fully-grown saguaro cactus is slightly taller than nine Danny DeVitos standing on each other’s shoulders.

No one would be crazy enough to fight nine Danny DeVitos, so why would you fight a cactus?

We should all be grateful that our Australian friend showed us all the dangers of fighting a cactus.

We must know our limits so we can carefully choose which plants we can beat in fights.

Lilac bushes are no match for the average human. Neither are dandelions. So please leave cactuses alone. After all, those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it.


Adam Tumino is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected]