After four days that felt like four years, Joe Biden was finally elected president. Respectable Americans took to the streets to celebrate, showing just how respectable they are by wearing their masks incorrectly and shouting expletives about Trump to reporters. I’m just as happy as the next reasonable person, but those celebrations were a little contradictory, and gave the Fox News talking heads way too much to talk about. You know it’s bad when Leland Vittert, naked chin and all, is commenting about the lack of masks.

Biden’s speech in Delaware went about as expected, not counting the jump scare that was the confetti cannon directly in front of him. His reaction had me worried that we were going to lose him as soon as we won him.

His sprint (jog) to the podium had me more inspired than any hat-chucking, name-calling, all-caps tweeting ever could. He also treated it more as a victory screech than speech, almost shouting my ear off more than “I WON THIS ELECTION, BY A LOT,” did.

Trump, meanwhile, took to the porcelain throne in his bunker and threw a temper tantrum, refusing to give the Xbox controller to his mother. As Coldplay’s “A Sky Full Of Stars” soundtracked a fireworks display in Delaware, Trump was bawling his eyes out to “Fix You,” as anyone with feelings is wont to do.

It’s exciting that the next four years will be handled in a mature and promising way, but I can’t help but worry about the more palatable Mike Pence running in 2024 with the fly as his running mate. That is a formidable duo. People really loved that damn fly.

Speaking of running mates, Kamala Harris is the first woman to be vice president, which is fantastic, although stubborn, traditional-gender-role believers are rolling in their centuries-old graves everywhere.

The former president/current realtor is the first since George H.W. Bush to lose reelection, and I’d argue that he is the biggest loser and sucker of them all.

Apparently, Don Jr. tweeted at Trump that he should “go to total war” over the election results. Disregarding how rash and irresponsible that is, I think it’s hilarious that Junior has to tweet at Daddy to get his attention.

I do have one complaint about Trump’s loss, however. All the liberal indie rock bands I love don’t have anything to write impassioned, anti-establishment anthems about now. I guess I’ll have to settle for some celebratory, happy music for once.

Congratulations to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. The American Dream has finally come true.

Ryan Meyer is a sophomore journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected].