Opinion: I happily abandoned my values

Adam Tumino, Columnist

I believe that Disney is a monopoly, and I do not like them very much. Now that I got that out of the way, I am announcing that I have signed up for Disney Plus. 

At this point, I do not care if the devil himself, or herself, released a streaming service. I would probably sign up for it if it carried all of the “Star Wars” and Pixar movies.

I have to live the rest of my life knowing what I have done. And honestly, I am fine with that. 

In order to watch the Disney Plus exclusive series “The Mandalorian,” I would betray my family and friends. They would hopefully understand and support my decision. 

How often in a lifetime does an opportunity arise to watch a “Star Wars” television series featuring the likes of Carl Weathers from “Rocky,” Horatio Sans from “Saturday Night Live,” filmmaker and actor Werner Herzog and, for some reason, stand-up comedian Bill Burr?

Bill Burr in space sounds like something from a poorly remembered fever dream. I never thought I would see a middle-aged, Bostonian comic firing a laser pistol, but I guess anything is possible. 

What’s next? A “Lord of the Rings” spinoff starring John Mulaney? A new “Star Trek” series featuring Tig Notaro? Well, the latter actually exists, although I have not seen it.

But Disney Plus has more than just “Star Wars.” It has every Pixar movie ever made. 

This weekend I will be binging all of them chronologically and not sleeping until I finish every last one. I am willing to undertake this nearly 36-hour mission, limiting myself to one bathroom break every three movies. 

I always wondered what it would take for me to abandon my values and beliefs, and at long last there is an answer to that question: Disney Plus. 

It turns out that I am but a single, insignificant cog in the capitalist machine. Maybe one day I will grow a backbone and stand up for what I believe in. Maybe one day I will become someone of greater use to the function of society.

But until that day, I will be watching Disney Plus and NFL football alone in my room if anyone needs me. 

Call me a sellout. Call me a fraud. It is all true, every word of it. I am a weak-minded individual and I am ashamed of myself. 

But for $7 a month, I can afford to be a sellout. 

Adam Tumino is a junior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or at [email protected]