Seven ways to spice up the Super Bowl

Jackson Bayer, Columnist

Every year, on the first Sunday in February, all of America congregates in front of their televisions to watch dozens of ridiculous commercials with a concert and a football game sandwiched in between, which we call the Super Bowl. If we’re not careful, things can start to feel a little monotonous every year—we watch the game at the same time, eat the same food, laugh at the same Doritos commercials, and Tom Brady is just always there. In order to finally escape this vicious cycle of monotony, I have thought of a few ways to spice up the Super Bowl experience.

1.  CBS needs to do a split-screen broadcast that shows Tony Romo in the broadcast booth, so we the people can watch him call plays before they happen and then take in all of his overenthusiastic reactions to every completed pass while we watch the game.

2.  Broadcast in 3-D—I feel like this could have been a thing, like, ten years ago, but we’re all just stuck in our old traditional sports-watching ways. I just want to feel like Bill Belichick is standing in my living room in a cutoff hoodie scowling at me; is that too much to ask?

3.  Maroon 5? Please. Let’s see a Halftime Show featuring Travis Scott, a 2Pac hologram, the Naked Brothers Band, the Bikini Bottom Super Band (to perform “Sweet Victory,” of course) and Adonis, Drake’s child that he’s been hiding from the world.

4.  Somehow convince our current president that one of the teams playing in the Super Bowl is full of illegal immigrants, then give him full access to Twitter, and CBS can show all of his tweets as he sends them out in real-time. This is peak entertainment.

5.  This one is for the people watching the Super Bowl at home: Next year, just eat something different. Seriously. Forget about the wings for a year and eat pizza, or forget about the pizza and eat tacos, or forget about all of that and eat squid.

6.  For just one quarter—perhaps the second quarter—let a bunch of puppies loose on the field. Like, 100 golden retriever puppies. Wouldn’t it be the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen? Imagine seeing all those little puppies next to a bunch of 300-pound football players, and then watching the football players absolutely melt because of all the cuteness prancing around them. It’s too much. I need it.

7.  Have any team other than the Patriots playing (or, let the Patriots play in the Super Bowl every year, and also Tom Brady never retires, so in 20 years Brady will be in his sixties and still playing in the Super Bowl every year).

Jackson Bayer is a senior creative writing major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or at [email protected].