Column: Conspiracies that I believe are true

Adam Tumino

Donald Trump is out of office, and after years of bizarre conspiracy theories surrounding him, conspiracy fever seemed to reach a high point in the last several weeks.

Now that Trump is out, conspiracies may begin to subside slightly. But fear not, because I have several conspiracy theories that should reignite the crazy flame and fuel some of the strangest and most confusing social media arguments that you have ever seen.

My first theory deals with presidents, but not any of the recent ones. History books will tell you that a man named Franklin Pierce served as the 14th President of the United States from 1853-1857. This is utter nonsense.

No such man ever existed. The years in which we were told he was in office, there was actually no sitting president.

A family of feral raccoons had actually invaded the Oval Office during the final days of Millard Fillmore’s presidency, and quickly took over the room as their own. Attempts to remove them were futile, and the raccoons inhabited the office for four whole years.

They were only ruined when James Buchanan broke in through a window and killed the raccoons with his bare hands.

For his efforts, he was named the 15th President. The raccoons were all turned into hats and the entire incident was swept under the rug.

Another conspiracy I believe in is one that hits closer to home. I believe that advertising agencies across the country follow me and listen to me, and then they make commercials that are designed to specifically annoy and upset me.

There are commercials for potato chips that feature people loudly crunching on the chips. What purpose does this serve other than to directly attack me?

Additionally, every song in a commercial is terrible and makes me sad. Why must these advertising agencies dismay me so? I am being unfairly treated.

My final conspiracy is one that will fundamentally change the way we view life on earth. I believe that apes evolved from humans, not that humans evolved from apes.

Have you ever seen an ape? It is ridiculous to think that we are superior life forms when compared to a gorilla or orangutan.

They are stronger than us and are probably plotting our downfall right now. At some point in history, humans got lucky and discovered how to make tools, but if apes ever learned this ability, their wrath would be fully unleashed and we would be helpless against them.

These are my conspiracies. But obviously I do not believe in any of these theories and I sincerely hope none of you do either.

 

Adam Tumino is a senior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected]