Satire | Column: I will defeat Coronavirus for all

Adam Tumino, Columnist

Our entire planet is being held hostage by an invisible and seemingly invincible foe: the coronavirus (COVID-19). It is wreaking havoc across the globe, causing the stock market to plummet and spreading fear through communities. 

It’s about time someone stopped this thing. That someone is me. 

Fear not, for I will vanquish this dastardly virus once and for all, freeing you all from its sinister clutches.

But in order to do this, I must admit that I need help. One man cannot defeat a virus on his own, no matter how impressive he may be.

In order to defeat the coronavirus, I must first contract it. This is where I require assistance. 

I need you, the people of Eastern, to give me the coronavirus. If there was another way I would have thought of it weeks ago. This is the only solution.

I need all of you to stop washing your hands immediately and touch every surface on campus thoroughly. This will increase the chances of transmission. 

If you see me around campus, cough and sneeze in my direction as much as you can from close range. You will be doing a tremendous service to the entire world, and there may even be a medal in it for you when this is all over.

You must also be prepared for me to approach you and give you an unsolicited hand shake. Remember to grip firmly. The main goal is to spread the coronavirus, but it wouldn’t kill you to make a good first impression.

I may also be found roaming the dining halls drinking out of the glasses of anyone who coughs or sniffles audibly, unless you are drinking Mountain Dew. I want to get the coronavirus, not poison myself. 

I also ask for all of your respect and admiration as I begin my valiant quest. I am assuming a great deal of personal risk in my mission to keep you all safe, but it is the only way.

I must contract the coronavirus, and once it is in my body, face off with it in an epic battle to the death. 

I am not a doctor or virologist, but from what I understand, the immune system is like a fleet of tiny spaceships. The virus is also like a fleet of tiny spaceships. 

I have spent years training my fleet for this exact situation, so once the coronavirus fleet engages me in battle, it will be defeated quickly and decisively. Not a single coronavirus spaceship will be left intact. 

Your lives are in my very capable hands. You’re welcome. 

Adam Tumino is a junior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or at [email protected]