Satire: I am an old, old man

Adam Tumino

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All around campus I see young people, and I envy their juvenescence. They have their whole lives ahead of them.

I was once young, albeit a very long time ago. In less than one week I will be turning 26 years old. The further my date of birth disappears back into the timeline, the more I seem to notice the passage of time.

The youthful exuberance I once radiated is now gone, replaced by a geriatric malaise. I have lost that spring in my step and my sunny outlook on life.

I have a newfound fondness for shuffleboard, whatever that is, and I also like to read the newspaper every morning to find things to be angry about for no reason.

I have frighteningly strong opinions on the hosts of cable news shows and sometimes scare my pets when I yell at CNN.

I really want to buy an old sports car and keep it under a sheet in my garage. I plan to only drive it once a year and clean it every single day until I die.

Whenever new music comes out, I find myself complaining about how it is not “real music” because change upsets me and makes me feel threatened.

But as I near the final stage of my life, I find I am still able to look back fondly on my past. However, the things I enjoyed in my youth may seem like relics to younger members of society.

In elementary school we used to watch television shows like “Spongebob Squarepants” and, as we got older, “Family Guy.”

I fear these references may be lost on many readers. We also used to listen to different music when I was young. Some of our top bands and musical artists were Fall Out Boy and Kanye West, who are now completely irrelevant.

Sports have changed immensely as well. I used to watch ESPN to see highlights of superstar athletes like Tom Brady, LeBron James and Albert Pujols.

Most surprisingly, Congress used to be a completely ineffective and frustratingly incompetent body of government that rarely ever accomplished anything. When they did accomplish something, it was usually something that had already been popular for decades.

My, how times have changed. I only wish I was young enough to see how this change continues and grows.

Adam Tumino is a junior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or at [email protected].