Opinion, Satire: Embrace the climate change apocalypse

Adam Tumino, Columnist

Humanity as we know it will soon cease to exist. Global climate change threatens to alter the course of human history more than all the wars in the history of the world combined.

I, however, look forward to the decline of human society. I have seen “Mad Max: Fury Road” a number of times, and I think that would be kind of exciting. I am eager to turn my 2012 Nissan Versa into a war machine on wheels as I scour the endless desert that used to be central Illinois in search for rare and precious resources with a one-armed Charlize Theron.

I would be interested to see which people I know become ruthless warlords who rule over their desolate territories with an iron fist. Several people I know, and who shall remain nameless for fear of retribution, would make excellent post-apocalyptic warlords.

My only goal in the end times will be to be the last surviving human being. I want to live long enough to stand in the middle of an intersection, as tumbleweeds blow around me, and say to myself, “Hello? Is anybody left? Am I the only one?”

I only wish I could still be around in several million years, once the earth has rebounded from the damage we have caused it, to see a new species of hyper-intelligent octopus people build a society from the pathetic remnants of our extinct one.

I want to watch them as they uncover 21st-Century artifacts and stare in amazement as they wonder what the hell we were thinking.

Will the octopus people be peaceful? Or will they descend into the same violent mess of a species we have become? I shudder to think of the combat capabilities of these superior beings, with their eight arms and massive brains. They would be excellent puppeteers, though.

With sea levels rising, glaciers disappearing and temperatures climbing, we should look beyond to the possibilities of the future.

Imagine a planet that is free from human interference, as it was billions of years ago. Our cities will become colossal rainforests, our skyscrapers reaching greater heights than the highest canopies of the Amazon.

We will also have the privilege of being the last human beings ever, so we might as well enjoy ourselves because no one knows exactly what the future will hold.

Maybe the dinosaurs will come back. Who knows? Only one thing is certain: octopus people will one day rule the earth.

Adam Tumino is a junior journalism major. He can be reached at 581-2812 or at [email protected]