Review: No love lost for ‘The Loft’

Cayla Maurer, Verge Editor

What happens when you mix five married men, one secret sex pad and a long list of incriminating secrets and lies?

Director Erick Van Looy’s less-than-thrilling ‘thriller,’ “The Loft.”

The film had the potential to be great with an interesting plot and a cast of talented and attractive stars. What happened?

Uncomfortable jokes and over-the-top sexual innuendos happened.

Bad acting happened.

Dull dialogue happened.

The film opens with Vincent Stevens (Karl Urban) being questioned about his involvement in a potential murder case.

Stevens is a sex addict who just so happens to also be an architect who purchased a loft building for renovation.

Picturing a secret place where his dirtiest and kinkiest fantasies can come true, Stevens explains to his sex-crazed tagalongs that the loft will rid them of messy hotel bills and suspicious credit card activity when they cheat on their wives.

His friends—Marty, Phillip, Chris and Luke—agree to split the loft for their worry-free sexcapades. Marty (Eric Stonestreet) is an inappropriate jokester who always has one drink too many.

Chris (James Marsden) is the good guy of the group, even though he is unfaithful to his wife on a number of occasions.

Philip (Matthias Schoenaerts) is the coke addicted brother to Chris who can never keep his cool.

Luke (Wentworth Miller) is the quiet and misunderstood pervert of the group.

The guys think their wives will never find out about their scandalous lives concealed within the four walls of the loft, but that dream goes out the window when Luke finds the body of a mystery women handcuffed to the bed with a cryptic Latin message written in blood across the headboard.

Luke immediately calls his four best friends to the loft to play a big game of whodunit. 

The movie goes into a series of interlocking and sometimes misleading scenes from over the past year of sharing the loft.

Countless girls, wives finding out about their cheating husbands, nights in the loft that have gone too far and background stories on each character.

Friendships are tested, loyalties are questioned and marriages crumble as paranoia consumes the group

The last 10 minutes will hit you with a surprise or two, but it does not make up for the other 98 minutes.

The characters are misogynistic jerks who blame their wives (who are painted as nagging old ladies and needy dead weights) for their adulterous ways.

The worst of it all? Eric Stonestreet’s (‘Modern Family’s’ Cameron Tucker) portrayal of the groups’ horndog with no filter is downright embarrassing.

Thanks to the awful script, the eye rolls and forehead slaps keep coming and help make “The Loft” a lot more comical than it should have been.

Cayla Maurer is a super-senior journalism major.

She can be reached at 581-2812 or [email protected].