It’s almost the end of the academic year.

And, for a good many graduating students, May 8 will bring graduation and the most desperate job search we have ever embarked upon.

With the economy resembling a drunken hobo laying in the gutter, which would be comical if it weren’t so painfully sad, finding solid and secure employment may seem as impossible as riding a unicorn with Sasquatch running shotgun.

Indeed, these are frightening and strange economic times, dear friends. And as dark and strange as these times may seem, when making that elusive dollar bill is a must, weird times call for weird measures.

Come with me through a list of sure-fire, hair-brained schemes to pad that bank account.

First off, let’s take a look at the numbers. After all, numbers never lie!

While the economy has been lagging, two items have still managed to sell more and more all across our fair country: Alcohol and firearms.

It should be no surprise that, when peoples’ savings dry up, Americans grab a beer and start thinking crazy thoughts like, “I could make a huge withdrawal from the bank, if only I had some type of devise that would make the teller want to give me someone else’s money! Like a gun or something!”

That being said, if you are in dire need of making some money, I’ve got the idea for you, recently graduated business major! Start stockpiling firearms!

Think about the fiscal potential. Of course, you don’t want to go getting your own hands dirty with something as messy as a bank heist. But someone out there is going to need a gun without the willingness to wait five days and bother with those nasty background checks.

So, start filling a warehouse with firearms and wait for those in need of some iron to come looking for your low, low bargain prices. Why, these guns are so cheap, you’d swear it was criminal!

And in the event that the entire U.S. infrastructure goes down, you’ll be ready for that “Beyond Thunderdome”-post-apocalyptic world.

The next foolproof idea? Open your own school!

Eastern graduates more education majors than anything else, yet Illinois school districts are hacking away at their budgets like jungle undergrowth. These are not optimistic times for young teaching hopefuls. Until you open your own school, that is. You won’t be bogged down by those silly state regulations governing education and you can teach your young students the things that really matter, like how to become a master beat-boxer. After all, the fewer students who go to college, the fewer will be nipping at your heels in a couple years.

Finally, become a bounty hunter. Even if you can’t get that big, fancy reality TV show like national darling “Dog, the Bounty Hunter,” you can still make a very nice living catching dangerous criminals. I mean, haven’t you heard? Some wacko has been telling people to buy and sell guns willy-nilly!

So, fret not, dear student. Graduation will bring a plethora of financial opportunities, even if none of them are realistic, feasible, safe or even sane.

Editor’s note: For the love of all that is good, DO NOT try making money by doing any of these things. They will not work and will most likely land you in a lot of trouble. Although, many will get a hearty laugh at your expense afterward.

David Thill is a senior journalism major and can be reached at 581-7942 or at [email protected].