Staff Editorial: ‘Do not go gentle into that good night’: Finals Edition

Winter Break is now a tantalizing eight days off the horizon, which means the army of baggy-eyed, dejected college students has already taken hold, transforming the once sunny campus into some dystopian tundra of despair.

With energy drinks in hand and notecards seemingly spilling from every possible orifice, students trudge across the North and South quads, their gazes far-off in the distance, scanning the distant future for a faint glimmer of hope — for a simple notion that this will get over.

Seriously — the last few days have seemed more the opening scene of some “Walking Dead”/“Game of Thrones” crossover than they have the quad of a small state school in Central Illinois.

Fear not though, Eastern students, for this too shall pass.

And to help it pass (and, really, as a means of procrastinating our own class work), our staff thought it necessary to compile some of our own ways of pushing through this week of misery.

It is as follows:

Jason Howell (assistant photo editor): “Switching around where I study helps me focus a lot more than I realized. Sitting in the library or at my desk in my dorm only makes me go brain-dead, which is the last thing you want when you’re trying to cram. Also, don’t cram.”

Katie Smith (online editor): “Just Do It…just wake up every morning, drink as much coffee as you need, and do it. Sitting around all day or thinking about studying only makes it more difficult to start altogether. Forcing yourself to work might suck at first, but you’ll thank yourself later.” (Editor’s Note: Katie is contractually obligated to use Nike’s slogan every 12 minutes, per the contract of her new Crossfit series).

Victoria Adams (copy editor): “Alternate an hour of studying with an hour of Netflix.” (Tori recommends “Breaking Bad” or “Orange is the New Black.” We recommend amending the hour-to-hour ratio so you actually study more than you watch television).

Jehad Abbed (photographer): “Make this the one week you don’t actually listen to your friends. You’ll have the rest of your life to go out. Make this week about studying, and power through, because no night at the bar is worth having to retake a class.”

*Aldo Soto (sports editor): “If you’re doing really poorly in a class, don’t worry about it. But if you’re doing really well in a class, don’t worry about it.”

Debbie Hernandez (administration editor): “Don’t study if you’re really tired or anything. Trying to learn while you’re distracted or exhausted doesn’t really do any good.”

*Anthony Catezone (managing editor): “Don’t study. I’m graduating, so…. I don’t really care. Wait, you’re not actually gonna write that in there, are you?”

Kaylie Homan (Verge designer): “Use notecards and try to test yourself… also, get tested…?”

Stephanie Markham (news editor): “Make sure you’re organized and working ahead. Honestly, I’d rather wing a final than try to pull an all-nighter and cram. It just doesn’t work. Stay on top of your work, and you won’t be freaking out when it comes to take your test.”

Roberto Hodge (multicultural editor): “TAKE BREAKS. And also, sleep. People don’t think that sleep is a big deal, but not getting enough messes with your memory. Don’t sleep on sleep.”

*Robert Downen (Opinions editor): “‘.@OfficialJadenSmith You Can Learn Everything You Need To Know About Everything By Looking At Your Hands.’ #blessed #tcot”

Jarad Jarmon (associate news editor): “Study in groups if you can. Even having, like, a few minutes of joking around with people is enough to make studying bearable. Just make sure you’re actually getting stuff done though.”

*Dominic Renzetti: “What’s the one Bill Murray movie where he, like, has that whole thing where he talks about how it just doesn’t really matter? Well, yeah. Like, that — it just doesn’t really matter.” (Further research confirms that Dom was referring to “Meatballs.” IMDb describes the movie as a “wacky hijinks of counselors and campers at a less-than-average summer camp.” Again, we’d like to stress that Dom is graduating next week.)

*Robert “Bob” “Bobby” Galuski (Editor-in-Chief): “In the darkest, most wretched of times, I’ve oft-found solace in the depths of my own soul and passion.

When the darkest clouds have gathered hither — when neither the Sun nor Moon shine their warmth upon thy backside — I purge the depths of my character.

I awake at dawn, and, for the briefest of moments, I am one with the world. The birds sing their songs. The squirrel runneth across thy path.The dew lies untouched on the grass before me, and in that moment, I am no longer mortal, no longer confined to this world — in that moment, I am a god.

And so I march upon this treacherous house of learning, and ask thy teacher ‘HAVE THOU PREPARED THINE EXAMINATION?’

‘Yes!’ they cry. “I have!”

‘THEN IT IS WELL! AND MIGHT I CONQUER THEE?’

From their cradled hold they look at me, a cool sweat upon their brow: ‘Thou mayest, Bobby.’

Thou mayest.”

(Somewhere in the middle of his answer, Bobby jumped atop a desk and started yelling at the ceiling. He would later disclose that “Dead Poet’s Society” was on while he was getting ready for work).

*This person is graduating next week. It would be both morally and academically improper for us to suggest you heed their advice.