For some Valentine’s Day has become the opportune time to express love and romantic sentiment to significant others everywhere. But to the more lonely and pathetic among us, February 14th has become a staunch reminder of an inability to find someone to love; and is often affectionately referred to as the holiday of the damned. Truth be told, “Saint” Valentine was merely a priest who was clubbed and beheaded around 270 A.D. for his efforts in aiding the spread of love. See kids, the moral to this story is LOVE SUCKS!

That having been said, rather than supporting those rat-bastards at FTD, or throwing hard earned money down the drain on chocolates for your “sweetheart,” I propose a ban on Valentine’s Day in favor of a few holidays that don’t garner nearly enough attention. So here are five Valentine’s Day alternatives that should prove to be far more enjoyable than the agony of suffering through another lonely February 14th.

5.) National Video Games Day: traditionally celebrated on September 12th. I know that for a vast majority of the dateless contingent of society, every day is Video Game day, but that’s beside the point. Almost nothing’s more fun than kicking back with your favorite RPG, a two-liter of Jolt Cola, and some loud music and playing until your thumbs bleed. Who needs love when you’ve got 64-bit graphics and digitized pixles?

4.) National Evaluate your Life Day: traditionally celebrated on October 19th. What could be more fun than sitting around all day and contemplating where the Hell it all went wrong. So take stock of the pathetic mess that you’ve become and devise ways to make your life better, or at least how to make someone else’s worse.

3.) Earth Day: traditionally celebrated on April 22nd. I know that all of the tree-hugging, bong-toting, Birkenstock-wearing, hippies have somehow laid claim to this one, but I propose we take it back in style. I suggest littering, handing out cigarettes, and urinating in the ground water. It may not help Mother Earth, but it’s sure to make you feel better about yourself.

2.) Thomas Crapper Day: traditionally celebrated on January 27th. That’s correct. The famed inventor of the toilet has his own day. This one is especially great since you don’t even have to leave your house if you don’t want to. Just eat a box of bran flakes, grab the nearest copy of War and Peace and share some special time with your toilet for the next twelve hours. And if traditional plumbing just isn’t your style, bring back the once beloved chamber-pot (and remember when you’re emptying it out from a third floor window, you get bonus points if you hit a couple that’s holding hands.)

1.) Guy Fawke’s Day: traditionally celebrated on November fifth. Leave it to the Limey’s to celebrate a failed attempt to destroy the once proud British Parliament. This little known British holiday can be celebrated by turning your front lawn into a huge conflagration; burning dummies, rolling flaming barrels down hills, and pulling pranks on your neighbors (and those aren’t even my ideas, that’s how they actually celebrate the day).

Although I realize that celebrating Valentine’s Day will never be an altogether pleasurable experience, at least we now have options. I only have one word for all of the gift exchanging, flower buying couples out there: Suckers.