The other day I was witness to a true travesty. A television network (who shall remain nameless for its own sake) was leading a discussion on “The nature of Men,” but their panel was mysteriously lacking men of any kind. Therefore, I am taking it upon myself to point out some observations that were neglected in

this network sham. I consider myself to essentially be the average…well, sometimes less than average man. As such, I feel it’s fair that I can make an assessment of those around me (excluding women of course, since my knowledge of them is comprised primarily from medical journals, sitcoms, and the occasional encounter with one

of the fickle creatures in the flesh.). The crux of this network’s panel discussion was simply to point out the shortcomings of men ( even I must admit there are some.). My problem with this was the fact that there was absolutely no male perspective. There’s absolutely no point in critiquing something when there is not a representative present.

Aside from this simple lack of representation, the panelists of this show were too quick to pigeon-hole all men as spiteful and immature.

While I may not be able to speak for all men, I will do my best to speak for the most average among us. So here, are five general rules concerning men (or boys if the women out there decide to degrade us as such.) that were not addressed properly, and therefore need clarification.

1.) First off, men lie (there’s even T-Shirts that say it so it must be true).

It’s just our nature and a general coping system. While women are quick to say that men will lie about anything, the majority of our lies exist out of the necessity to spare feelings and protect ourselves.

2.) We’re not touchy-feely as a general rule, so don’t expect it. Most men are not exceedingly quick to share their feelings because they are not conditioned to do so, it’s simply bilogical.

3.) Every man just wants to have a cigar, watch wrestling, eat something

exceedingly greasy, and escape reality every once in a while. If women can’t somehow incorporate themselves into this lifestyle, how can we be blamed? That is a universal truth, women should accept it.

4.) Men can be inconsiderate. Oh, it’s true, it’s true. Even I can be

inconsiderate to those around me. Trust me, it’s not intentional, it’s merely unfortunate. Usually, men do not realize what they have done as they are doing it, but surely realize after they have felt the consequences.

5.) This one is very important; Men should not be turned into women. You simply can’t expect the same things from a man that you can from a women. Trying to change someone only makes them want to resist.

The following are a number of real life examples as to the nature of man as applied to real life. Without them, the subtle nuances of men are usually lost to the hordes of bitter, cynical women out there.

He Says: “I’m going fishing.”

He Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

He Says: “It’s a guy thing.”

He Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

He Says: “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”

He Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response built over millions of years of evolution.

He Says: “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”

He Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

He Says: It’s a really good movie.”

He Means: “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women.”

He Says: “That’s women’s work.”

He Means: “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

He Says: “What did I do this time?”

He Means: “What did you catch me doing?”

The fact is that women have little to complain about in the mating game known as life because they hold all of the cards. In essence we (men) are all just big dumb animals that are easily lured in by the prospect of food, affection, and even the slight possibility of more food or affection. We withstand the scorn of feminine indifference because “we’re men, and we can take it.” We have realized many generations ago that we have no power, and we have accepted the fact that the only way to succeed is to withstand anything that comes our way.

Men are not bad however, and pegging all of us in that way is very damaging. Although some of the things that I’ve pointed out above are true, there’s no need to make such a broad generalization about ALL men.

And again, it’s not that all men are bad. There are some, commonly known as “keepers,” who do in fact exist. Women just have to realize that there are distinct differences between men and women, and there should be a movement on the part of all women toward tolerance and understanding rather than ranting and finger pointing.